I'm Just A Singer...You're The World!

A Very Brief Update.

2007-10-22T11:04:00.000-04:00

I know that it has been FOREVER to update, fear not, friends, I'm very much alive. I haven't much time, as I'm to be heading to work fairly soon, but I wanted to give a brief update on my life that I ican hopefully expound on later.

Biggest piece of news: I'm married. Eric & I have been married for over 2 months now, & things are doing well. The other day I joked with Brian that marriage is the most difficult wonderful thing I've ever done. This may not make a lot of sense....but then it does. Marriage isn't what I thought it would be. It's basically like breaking in a new roommate, but a lot more complicated because of the fact that you can't ever change roommates and also because of sex. Yeah.... It sounds funny, but it's true. I'm planning on posting some pictures this coming weekend from the wedding, but who knows if that will actually happen.

Another big piece of news: I'm pregnant! *just kidding!*, gosh it's nothing THAT big. Actually, I'm just really, really busy. Dr. Gano is trying to eat me via Music History & needless to say, the past few weeks have been discouraging as I have been clawing my way through mountains of homework, with seemingly very little to show for it. It has been reccommended to me various ways of "sucking up" for a more academically optimistic grade, but I don't know what I think of that...I would rather succeed in that class for my own right, but then the thought of failing any classes this semester is traumatic.

I miss my family. I know, I'm an adult now, those aren't neccessarily things that I'm "supposed" to be feeling. But I do. I haven't seen my family since I got married, it's been difficult with how busy I am to set aside time to go see them. Grrr. I know that in going home, I would have to contend with him, which presents all sorts of odd situations. However, the holidays are coming up, so seeing him is really inevitable anyways, & this time with Eric in tow. In spite all of that, it would be simply glorious to see my sisters & mom (my family is odd, aren't we?) again, for I've missed them tremendously.

Gah! I need to go. Hopefully I'll have time to swing by here again later this week, but until then...
Muchas Amor.

Dear Phantom Of My Mind,

2007-04-22T01:34:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to exhistance
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everyone's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare youi to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before.

Welcome to the fallout.
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are & who you could be
Between how it is & how it should be
Yeah

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.
-Switchfoot

I've Been Thinking

2007-04-21T03:37:00.000-04:00

Orphans of God

Who here among us has not been broken?

Who here among us is without guilt or pain?

So often abandoned by our transgressions

If such a thing as grace exists

Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers

There are no outcasts

There are no Orphans of God

So many fallen, but Hallelujah

There are no Orphans of God

Come ye unwanted & find affection

Come all yue weary, come & lay down your head

Come ye unworthy, you are my brother

If such a thing as grace exists

Than grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us

We are Your children, we need Your love

We run before Your throne of mercy

And seek Your face to rise above.

There are no strangers

There are no outcasts

There are no Orphans of God

So many fallen but Hallelujah!!

There are no Orphans of God

- by Avalon

Just A Thought....

2007-04-21T03:27:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

I know that you are an all knowing God, who has everything in the palm of Your hand. But I just wanted to take a second to make a simple request, if I may.

My people are really hurting right now.

My parent's marriage is failing. My mom is very wounded, & nearly at the end of her rope. Jeff is making some really bad choices right now & seems really apathetic to all parties involved.

My sister is nursing a broken heart from caring too much about someone who doesn't feel the same.

The father of my fiencee's best friend just died & both the best friend & Eric are really hurting.

My boys are under attack by The Evil One.

My little sister feels ignored & unimportant.

I'm trying to figure out what the heck You want me to do with my life.

It doesn't do any good to lie to You....we are all in need of some serious help. In fact, I'm beginning to think that with as big as all of these hurts are in each situation, You are the only hope we have.

Thanks for listening.

~ Melanie

A Synopsis of Life Right Now...

2007-04-04T10:07:00.000-04:00

"The worst things come from inside here"

- from Einstein on the Beach
by Counting Crows

Another Quick Update

2007-04-01T14:54:00.000-04:00

I'm working towards getting another journal entry out here, but as of right now, I really haven't had time. In the meantime, here's a quick rundown of everything that has happened in the the last couple of weeks.

We Got An Apartment!
That's right folks, as of March 22, I have a place of residence in Winona Lake, IN. If you guys would like to know anything about where exactly, feel free to ask & I'll let you know, but I'll leave it at the fact that we are going to be living on the island (which is very exciting!). The plan is that Ash & I will live there for the summer & then after Eric & I get married, we will live there. However, we are moving all of Eric's belongings into the apartment right off the bat, so as to only have to move once, so it's going to be quite the process. We are planning on doing this move May 3, so anyone willing to help would be more than welcome. In addition, throughout the summer, we are going to painting the interior of the house, as well as some gardening, ect. I would love to have the fellowship in the tasks (yes, I am Linda Ticen's daughter), so feel free to let me know if you would like to help sometime over the summer.

Eric's Coming Home!
I'm not gonna lie, I am really excited about this fact. According to him, the plan is that he will be back in Indiana as of 7:30pm May 2 (in time for Civic Band *rolls eyes*) While I am really glad that he'll be home again, I am a bit nervous about it as well. I know that there will be lots of adjusting that will take place, particularly due to the fact that I have never really had him around consistantly before. It will be interesting to see how everything turns out in that regard...but it will be really great to have him back home again.

This Week Is Going To Suck
This week I'm pretty much going to be incognito. I have a huge department test to take in Fort Wayne, 2 quizzes, a sevice project, & several projects to wrap up. Thankfully, I don't have observation this week, which will free up my schedule immensely. Also, the coming of Easter Break does bring me some relief, in the fact that I'm going to have extra time to get things done, both in regards to school & towards the wedding.

In essence, guys, that's my life right now. I'm hoping to update again over Easter Break, for there is a great deal remaining on my heart right now. But for now, all I have to say, guys, is that it was nice knowing you

Good News!

2007-03-26T16:09:00.001-04:00

I got a slot for the April 12 student recital!!!

Do you know what this means????

It means that I just added sleep to my "Things To Do This Week" list.

Hurrah!

How Great Is Our God

2007-03-24T02:23:00.000-04:00

I was in such a bad mood.

While neither my roommate nor I are morning people by any stretch of the imagination, she is the one that tends to get up in the morning with case of PCG (Pre-Coffee Grumbles) rather than me. Me, I'm just kinda quiet in the morning, thoroughly intent to get wherever it is that I need to go while being as close to on time as possible. In the morning, that's all I want out of life: to get it over with!

Thursday morning, however, was completely different. I was in one of those moods that I had a tendency towards in high school, but now are more of a rarity than before. I was in the type of mood that was well represented in cartoons by a thundercloud over their forehead of the offended character. I was in quite the black mood & it honestly scared my roommate. After encouraging me to get up in the morning, & jokingly telling me to knock on the bathroom door just in case one of our suite-mates were in there (they were), she grabbed her Bible & retreated off to chapel, which proceeded to annoy me all the more.

I finished with my tasks as fast as I could, but I was already running late. It was Day of Worship on campus, a day in which all classes are canceled & the student body as a whole takes a morning to simply take time to focus on God & worship Him. Sounds good right? Well, normally it is, & I 'm usually excited to attend.

For whatever reason though, I simply didn't care that morning.

Thinking words that I'm ashamed even now that were even in my mind, I proceeded into chapel, feeling the irony of my action. I mentally shrugged my shoulders & slipped into the first empty seat I could find. To my contentment, there really wasn't anyone even remotely close to me--in fact, the closest person was two seats away from me: a tall willowy girl in khakis & a hoodie, looking as touch-me-not as I felt. Well, don't we make a pair.." I thought glibly to myself as I settled into a slouch in my seat & began "enduring" the service.

Now, normally, I love worship services. The music in particular is something that heavily effects me. If I get nothing else out of it, I love the music. Usually, the worship music at Grace is really good but by tradion Day of Worship is exceptionally so. The band had artfully included a violin & viola, creating a gorgeous sound to the music, but still my heart did not stir.

After the initial singing, the chaplain instructed us to answer a number of questions which were appearing on the overhead in a small group. Great. I thought, just what I don't want: people. I had just determined to myself that I wasn't participating in a group when I realized that the girl that I had noticed earlier a couple of seats over was looking nervously around, not having a group.

You have a group? I asked

No, she said, do you?

No.

Akward silence.

I sighed. You wanna be together? I asked.

Uhhh, sure. She said nervously. You want to go first?

No, actually I didn't, but it was definitly the sort of moment where I couldn't say that, because obviously she didn't want to. I looked hard at the screen of questions, drawing a blank.

Look, I said briskly, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not really feeling much right now, in fact I'm kinda grouchy & it has definitly been a long time since I have felt close to God. So really, I'm not thinking much about what kind of things amaze me about God because I'm too busy trying to figure out why I don't feel His presence in my life right now. I waited for her to look nervous at me, as if she didn't know how to handle my bluntness, or for her to throw God-endorsed advice at me. To my shock however, relief flooded her face.

Wow, she said, I guess while we're being honest, I'd better tell you that I'm actually in a pretty severe state of depression right now. In fact, I'm currently more suicidal than she was (referring to a video that had been shown earlier that morning about a suicidal mom). She looked down, as if awaiting a blow.

To both of our suprise, I smiled and held out my hand to her Then I guess we might as well be messed up together....I'm Mel. She laughed a little & took my hand, introducing herself as Candy. For the rest of the discussion time, we swapped stories. I told of having clung to God all of last semester & Christmas break when my life seemed so turmultuous, but how once things had seemed to even out, somehow God wasn't nearly as close I had remembered Him to be. She told me of her struggle to overcome pain stemming from parents & guys. There were no details, but we were gut-wrenchingly honest & as we bowed our heads asking for God's interventioned this morning for both of us, I had no idea what to expect, but I found myself trusting God to do something though I really had no idea how He was going to do it.

For the rest of the service, things began to happen. For me, I sat & begged God to do something, to overcome the breach that seemed to have come between us & bring me back to the closeness that I had found not too long ago. To my suprise, my answer was a list of sins that I had committed and I spent time in confession & then at last I heard the answer to my question.

Be faithful.

The more I thought about it, the more I understood that in reality, God hadn't gone anywhere, it was I who had arrived at my own reliance & I hadn't been faithful to follow after Him as I had then. I had come to the point where I expected God to pursue me, rather than the other way around. I was also reminded of the fact that real love was a choice, a committment that was a conscious decision, & like so many fallen marriages, I was relying on a feeling to have a relationship, rather than "deciding to follow Jesus" as the old song said.

As I rejoiced in my new-found answers, I glanced at Candy, who sat still, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. I began praying for her, that she would be given the answers that she was seeking. Perhaps one of the coolest things that I have encountered over the course of my Christian life was being privy to her answer: I will sustain you. As the words washed over her, I saw her visibly slump, as if exhausted from the stiffness that she had maintained throughout most of the service.

As the final songs of worship played, I felt a nudge to go over & put an arm around her. These kinds of nudges from God always make me the most nervous, because I'm never sure how the recipient will respond. So I subtly inched my way towards her, trying to not be conspictuous. When I finally placed my hand gently on her back, she started, & I whispered to her that we were both going to make it. I rubbed her back gently & smiled, then turned towards the front & raised my other hand, singing at the top of my lungs & praying hard. By the end of the song, we both had tears running down our cheeks & even after the student body had been dismissed, we sat, our heads bowed together in prayer as we thanked God for His goodness & prayed that what we had learned in this time would not be something that was simply a mountain high of the moment, but rather something that had been deeply written upon our hearts. I hugged her & as we both headed off in our separate directions, I told her that I would look for her on campus, saying a quick prayer to her retreating back.

I've seen Candy a couple of times on campus since Thursday & each time I try to catch her eye...sometimes it works & sometimes it doesn't. I ask all of you guys to pray for her if you think about her...she has a long road ahead of her. However, I do believe that God is going to get her through this time, & me as well.

'Cause our God is just that good.

insertbiggrinhere

2007-03-21T23:46:00.000-04:00

Soooo...I finally have a good picture of Eric. I think he looks really cute. :-)

:-) You Know Who You Are

2007-03-21T16:29:00.000-04:00

We're pilgrims on the journey

Of the narrow road

And those who've gone before us line the way

Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary

Their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace.

Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses

Let us run the race not only for the prize

But as tose who've gone before us

Let us leave to those behind us

The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

May the fire of our devotion light their way

May the footprints that we leave

Lead them to believe

And the lives we live inspire them to obey

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone

And our children sift though all we've left behind

May the clues that they discover and the memories they uncover

Become the light that leads them to the road we each must find.

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

-Steve Green

Clues To My Heart

2007-03-21T16:04:00.001-04:00

I want to see miracles;

To see the world change.

To wrestle with angels

For more than a name.

For more than a feeling;

For more than a cause.

I'm singing:

Spirit, take me up in arms with You.

And You're raising the dead in me.

- Switchfoot

The Horizon of Potential

2007-03-01T01:57:00.000-05:00

As a young child, my family and I used to vacation at Hilton Head Island just off the coast of North Carolina. For the younger kids in my family, this was their first exposure to the ocean, so my parents would try to make the most of the time that we had there, spending a great deal of our time exploring various parts of the island and the variants of the beach. One such variant were the small cliffs that jutted over the ocean. Under the supervision of my dad, my brother and I would climb up the rocks out of sheer curiosity for what we would find at the top. It was a steep climb, and by the time we made it to the top, our limbs were screaming and we were huffing in the salty ocean air to feed our burning lungs. However, catching our breath was out of the question, for scene that lay before us was enough to whisk it away as soon as we attained it.

Stretching before us before us was the largest amount of space that our small minds had ever been forced to reckon with. The Atlantic Ocean yawned before us as far as we could see and the sky seemed to stretch endlessly in all directions. However, it was the point at which the sky and the ocean met that was the most fascinating. It was an pencil-thin line that split the expanse seamlessly, an eternal line that never broke or wavered, but extended endlessly to both the left and the right, with no beginning or end, an incredible expanse of space in every direction.

The amazing thing about people is that we work the same way. God has created each person with unique gifts or abilities that are specially designed to have a profound impact on furthering the kingdom of God and bringing glory to Him. Even more amazing is the fact that this potential has an endless capacity that stretches infinitely into the distance of possibilities of who we, as people could be. Because we each have our own set of abilities, our horizon differs from one another, each unique in our own way, with a unique set of possibilities for us to pursue.

One of the earmarks of an effective leader is working towards recognizing their own potential, and continually working towards attaining new distance in their particular horizon of ability. The farther they venture into the space of who they could be, the more possibilities stretch before them, making them more efficient in using the incredible gifts they have been given.

It isn’t enough, however, to simply recognize one’s own potential. While an effective leader is continually striving towards achieving new distance in his or her horizons, perhaps their greater calling is to recognize the potential within those in their charge and encourage them towards embarking on their own journey into their God-given capacity.

This infinite chain of journeying into one’s own horizon of potential and urging others to do the same is a magnificent calling that is generic to every leader. The possibilities within this calling are endless, which lends itself to creating a vast expanse of what God could do with those who are willing to venture out into His great unknown of possibilities. Just as the horizon from my brother and my vantage point atop the cliff stretched beyond our line of vision and imagination, so is the capacity of possibilities within a leader, and their followers horizon of possibilities with the gifts they have been given.

* Photograph courtesy of Toby Chin*

A Quote To Ponder

2007-02-28T16:08:00.000-05:00

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord. "

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

& Now...A Moment of Freak Out

2007-02-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna be dissappearing for a couple of days, folks--I have a ton of stuff to do. If you have any doubts...here's what I'm up against this week.

- A 1500 word research for Foundations of Education
- Read chapter 3 for Diversity
- Church History Quiz
- C.S. Lewis discussion on "Mere Christianity" that I was asked to prepare for at the last minute.
- Christian Classics midterm
- Music Theory Homework

...& that's just for Wednesday

It was nice knowing you guys.

Another Amazing Poem

2007-02-13T23:20:00.000-05:00

To Christ

Will You forgive that sin when I began

Which as my sin, though it was done before?

Will You forgive those sins through I would go

And go through still, though that sin I deplore?

When this You have done, You still aren't done,

For I have more.

Will You forgive that sin by which I have won

Others to sin, & made my sin their door?

Will You forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two but wallowed in a score?

When this You have done, You still aren't done,

For I have more.

I have a sin of fear that when I have spun

My last thread, I'll die on that shore.

Swear by Yourself that at my death, Your Son

Shall Shine as He does now, & therefor

Have done all that You have done,

I need fear no more.

- John Donne

Amazing Poem

2007-02-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

We think that Paradise & Calvary

Christ's cross & Adam's tree

Stood in one place

Look Lord, & find both Adams met in me;

As the first Adam's sweat surrounds my face

May the last Adam's blood my soul embrace.

-John Donne; Hymn to my God In My Sickness

Ugh

2007-02-08T12:05:00.000-05:00

Not feeling well--both inside & out.

Physically, my head is feeling massively fuzzy & that old familiar ache is returning, amid my trying to ward off panic for the return of the pressure. Granted, I kinda slipped on taking my meds...so I probably have it comeing to me. But still....

Mentally I can't seem to get myself going. I have gobs of stuff to be doing, but I can't seem to force myself to do so, which just sends me further into my mental hole. Yarg.

Need. A. Jumpstart.

A Time To Ponder

2007-02-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

Overall, I have found that I tend to be a rather decisive person. When no one else has a a plan, I tend to be the one who forms one off my cuff. When I make a decision, I tend to take all my options into consideration, but once I decided--that's what I stick with until something happens to change my mind drastically (coughcoughGODcoughcough). In the case of sitations happening, I almost always know what I think about things..starting with my gut feelings & working into logic.

That's just who I am.

So all of sudden, I have found myself in the situation where I don't know what I think/feel & in addition to trying to figure out what I think about said situations, I also find myself confused as to why I am not more decisive about them.

Are you curious yet?

The first situation occured last week, when found myself with a little extra time on an errand run &n dropped by a local nursing home to visit the father of a friend, who is suffering from a brain tumor that will inevtably kill him. While death is a sad thing when faced (on most occasions) it seems as if most people find themselves praying for his death, as he has wrestled with this affliction for 2 years longer than the experts believed possible. Considering the fact that he's a Christian & that he has suffered so long, you almost find yoruself longing for him to die just to end his journey....at least that was how I felt.

Part of the deterioration process has been his grip on current reality & as I spoke to him about the conditions of his family, he seemed to flit back & forth between the current time, & times of the past, of his son being in High School, his wife (then new) finishing up her education, and of times spent with his parents. As I sat in the oxygen room listening, I was astounded by the good memories that he held & of the things that he had encountered over the course of his life. At the same time, I was struck by the question fo my own legacy, & concept of what I would be leaving behind when my time on this earth nears it's end. Who will I have effected over the course of my life & how will I be remembered, if I am remembered at all?

The part of the visit that I really didn't know what to think about occured at the end, when I went to bid him farewell. I took his hand, leaning over the hospital bed to kiss his cheek & his grip was incredibly strong (which I am told is a signature of his). His hands were massive, like monstrous paws in comparison to my own, enveloped my in a grip of strength that made me feel incredibly little in comparison, not letting go, even after I had straightened up from kissing his cheek. In an unnerving moment, he looked me in the eyes, & told me that he loved me. I smiled, telling him the same, & turned to leave. As I glanced back at him before shutting the door behind me, he looked at me, clucking the side of his mouth in the sound of a wink, before turning & closing his eyes, as if he were resigning himself to the fate before him. Walking out of the nursing home & back to my car, I felt so visibly shaken, like I should cry, but didnt have the strength to do so. Even now, I don't know what to think, but I have spent a considerably amount of time reflecting on everything that took place & what I thought about it.

The other incident happened this morning, when I went to go check my mail. In my mailbox was a letter from my dad. I know that ordinarily, this wouldn't be such a big deal, except for the fact that I have never gotten a voluntary communication from my dad...particularly as of late. However, in a moment of semi-confrontation last week, he had asked for my contact information & I gave it to him, feeling confidant that it would be lost by the end of the week. It wasn't. In fact, he used it just as he claimed he would--by sending my a letter. Granted, there was nothing all that profound in it, more chit chat than anything else. However, my response to it all was what has left me confused.

Nothing.

That's right, I am feeling nothing at all. I am not afraid of hoping that things will get better. I am not elated at him taking a step towards a relationship with me. I am neither impressed nor inumpressed. I am completely blank on it, which seems so utterly unlike me that I am afraid that there is something wrong with me that I am not responding at all. Instead, I wrote back to him, conversationally talking about the weather, my class schedule, & my plans to go see Eric over Spring Break. But. I. Felt. Nothing.

I believe that in both situations, I am more confused my reaction to the situation, rather than the situation itself. In both cases, I haven't been able to concoct up a cranial, logic based thought process, or a emotion laden gut feeling. Yet who do you ask about something like this? It doesn't seem likely that I could walk up to someone & ask them why I wasn't responding to anything. Once again, there seem to be no answers...& I don't know what to do or think about any of it.

2007-01-30T12:41:00.000-05:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. Instead, let us run with endurance in the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates & perfects our faith because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding it's shame. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. Think of alll the hostility that He endured from sinful people, then you won't become weary & give up.

- Hebrews 12:1-3

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Love Language Results

2007-01-29T15:42:00.000-05:00

So...my roommate is in this class called "Marriage & Family" & she had me take the Love Language test today. Here's my results, should anyone care!

1.) Physical Touch
2.) Quality Time
3.) Words of Affirmation
4.) Acts of Service
5.) Recieving Gifts

Good Quote (from Eric)

2007-01-29T00:29:00.000-05:00

"The work of Jesus was not a new set of ideals of principles for reforming or even revolutionizing society, but the establishment of a new community, a people that embodied forgiveness, sharing and self-sacrificing love in its rituals and discipline. In that sense, the visible church is not to be the bearer of Christ's message, but to be the message."

-Stanley Hoverwas
The Relevant Church

Suddenly I See

2007-01-24T16:39:00.000-05:00

Her face is a map of the world

Is a map of the world

You can see she's a beautiful girl

She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light

The people who surround her feel the benefit of it

It makes you calm

She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see

(Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see

(Suddenly I see)

Why the heck it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world

Like walking the world

You can hear she's a beautiful girl

She's a beautiful girl

She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white

Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember

What you heard

She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see

(Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see (

Suddenly I see)

Why the heck it means so much to me

She stands taller than most

And she's looking at me

I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine

Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower

A big strong tower

She got the power to be

The power to give

The power to see

Suddenly I see

(Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see

(Suddenly I see)

Why the heck it means so much to me

Residing in a living room of Reality

2007-01-08T00:43:00.000-05:00

It's midnight at the Voss's.

Ordinarily, time means nothing here, for people come & go til the wee hours of the morning. Traditionally there is laughter, singing, & card games being played, with thought-provoking conversation pieces weaving in & out of the air, all the while, consuming mass quantities of Mountain Dew. Yes, this is the Voss's. Generally speaking, I find a chair somewhere & just watch everyone...interacting as I choose. Most of the time, Caleb can be found somewhere near, though not always. I usually just rub his head, laugh at Aaron's antics, & watch the ever-fascinating dynamics as the air buzzes with energy.

Tonight, however, is different.

Tonight, I am alone in the Voss living room. Mary & & Micah have said their goodbyes & departed for ORU, Aaron is "hanging" & everyone else is asleep. The only sounds of that can be heard right now, is the trickle of the turtle's tank, the hum of the fridge, & the sound of my fingers tapping against the keyboard in front of me. Tonight there is no energy, but rather a vast starkness that seems to wrap itself around me, holding me close against my will.

Tonight I am alone.

Perhaps it's not so much the fact that I am physically alone, as much the accompanying realization of everything that's gone on in the past months, mainly in regards to the combination of the old familiar tensions of home, & the new developments of my health. The culmination of it all leaves a sense of littleness in a world of great big problems.

In all honesty, I have known that issues in my family were mounting, afterall, I was the one that could frequently be found listening to the sounds of a woman's cries of loneliness, fear & agony carrying across the distance of a phone line. I recognized the "red flags" that wave, knowing that something bad was coming. Maybe the thing of it was that it was easier to combat the lies at a distance, away from the enemy fire itself. It's something entirely different, however, to feel the heat of his distane & hear his hurtful words being used against those I care about.

In regards to this matter, the question now is what my role in it all is. Am I responsible to try & hold my family together, or do I opt to focus on my own life developments? Where is that line between moving on & being true those that you care about? Is there really anything I can do? My nature tends to be to fix problems, but suddenly I feel completely inadequate to do anything about anything. In all actuality, I'm not sure where my role lies in all of this--I simply haven't figured that out yet...yet there really seems to be no simple answer to any of the questions.

Contrasting everyone else, my own illness is really the least of my concerns, though it does tend to bring it's own amount of stresses to the table. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid, even if this does result in a more agressive form of treatment...though I haven't even considered the surgery option yet. As far as I'm concerned, until it's spoken from a professional, it's not worth thinking about! For a majority of the issue, I find that I am opting not to think about the ramifications of it all, but rather to distract myself with the things going on around me--a coping mechinism if you will.

Perhaps my biggest struggle with it all--with the entire semester, really, is that I haven't the foggiest idea what's to come. I don't know whether my family will be together at the end of this semester, & if so, what sort of condition we'll be in when it's all over. At current time, I'm still undergoing test to find out what is going on with my body, rather than considering true treatment options...there is no conclusive ending to any of it, but rather just an endless sea of questions looming before all of us. It's really the inconclusiveness of it all that kills me: the absence of anything to hold on to. More than anything, I find myself searching for strongholds--grasping for something conclusive to build upon.

Sitting here in the Voss living room, I find myself facing the stark reality that there are no truly good answers. No wonderful truth that will break forth with a shout of exultation, no it's all going to stink. For the first time in my life, I am faced with a myriad of ugly answers, & no groundbreaking radiations of light. Like being alone in a room that is traditionally crowded, suddenly my rose-colored glasses have faded, revealing a stark reality.

There are no excuses. There are no exceptions.

It's only me, in my dark & empty living room called reality.

All I Want For Christmas Is....

2006-12-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

~ My homework to finally get done.
~ All B's on my final grades.
~ Sleep.
~ Eric to come home.
~ "Dr. Seuss Goes To War:The WWII Erditorial Cartoons of Theodor Seuss Geisel" by Richard Minear.
~ Really, any Dr. Seuss book other than "Fox In Socks".
~ Money.
~ Pretty earrings.
~ Blue October CD.

I really think that I'm dying, guys. Not literally, of course, but I am so exhausted that I kinda wish that I was. I have a ton of homework due this week & finals & juries next week. I'm going to cry, or die, or both.

Things I really want right now:
- Snuggle with my mom
- Laugh with Bekah
- Play with Caleb's hair
- Be in the same room with my fiance
- To cry
- To sleep
- To have something solid to hang on to.

Ok, I'm done.

Back to work......

Taste of Home

2006-10-29T22:31:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the past week, I have had a monstrous craving for chili. In an attempt to satisfy that craving, I have tried various forms of the delectable dish: Hacienda chili, Alpha Dining Chili, Grill chili, & even steak & shake chili. Still my craving hadn't subsided. As I dove into the first spoonful of the steak & shake chili which left me feeling dissappointed, it suddenly dawned on me that the only thing that I really wanted was the Classic Mama chili. It really isn't so much that this particular dish is altogether that spectacular (although it is really freaking good!), but rather I have found myself longing for a taste of home in & of itself.

When I think of chili, I think of January evening when Dad had long left for work & we would gather around the table & ladle the classic dish from The Big Two-Handled Pot (which only has one now, I think). We would doctor up our bowls with pinches of cheese & crumbled up crackers & somehow, everyone inevitably begged for more. Early on in my memories, there was plenty remaining for leftovers the following Sundays, though the older I got, the more sparse the leftovers got :-D

The funny thing about it all is, that I have similar memories with other homecooked dishes: foil-wrapped dinners, which I would ask for my birthday meal consistantly growing up. Dad's pork chops on the grill, accompanied by your's truly making the potato salad & iced tea that had been brewed all day on the front porch. Split pea soup that I would beg Mom to make in the winter amid the groans of my siblings, which it always seemed like I ate singlehandedly with much delight. Phillippo Roast & Daye's Chocolate Chip oatmeal cookies, which always left you wishing for more, even after you were long past the point of not being hungry. & finally, Mom's homemade granola, which would waft up the stairs to the attic & fill me with joy at the very smell of it.

It's not to say that really the memories are so much about the food itself, but rather about those comforts of home that I find myself longing for. Gone are those days of burrowing under the mountain of covers in the bottom bunk in The Girl's Room & snuggling in closer to Lydia to stay warm. The days of sitting on the floor of the kitchen talking to Mom are fewer & farther between. The conversations no longer consist of 4-H & Dr. Egans, but now of how to split up the holidays & wedding plans. I find myself longing for those times that seemed so overwhelming then, but now hold an element of simplicity that I have found myself coveting repeatedly lately.

I'm not entirely sure that I would really want to go back to those days even now, for those days had their own elements of pain tha were contended with. However, I at long last find myself identifying with the words of my mother:

"I wish that I could go back to then knowing the things that I know now".

Amen

A Long Overdue Letter

2006-10-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I know that I should have been here long before now, but to be honest, I haven't really wanted to talk to You. I mean, I know that really doesn't sound right, but it's true. I really haven't wanted to talk to You. You know me well enough to know that it's not the I don't love You, or that I don't want a relationship with You. It's just that I have been angry at the way You seem to be standing on the sidelines watching all these bad things happen & not really doing anything that I can see.

Lately God, I have seen people that I care about, innocent people, be voilated by evil. I have repeatedly seen women who are battered & bruised in their spirit due to having been preyed upon by others. I have heard the cries for innocence lost and seen the voids left by those rejected. I have seen the empty eyes of Your children who yearn for something more but can't seem to obtain it. I have felt the edges of fear creep into my heart as I have seen the presence of evil men. God, I have experienced all of this, why do You not see?

Do You see the tears of the innocent? Do You hear the keening of the abandoned? Do You see the furrows in her skin but more importantly, the bruises on her heart? Do You understand the bondage that Your people are enslaved in & the tyrants that lord over them? God, where are You? Why do You not see?

The thing of it all is, that I have been taught that You see everything, that nothing is hidden from You, not the tears that course down my cheeks or the secret sins of my heart. But God, that almost hurts me worse than believing that You dont' see it. For if You just didn't see what has happened, then You aren't expected to do anything. However, if You have seen all that has been done, then that means that You have allowed it to happen, & I cannot fathom why.

Why have You stood by & allowed this to happen. Why did you put us in a place where we must ache so? Why do little amish girls die at the hand of evil men? Why are innocent children sacrificed to The Enemy? Why must your daughters live in fear of being robbed of the gifts You have given us? Why must young ones carry burdens beyond their years? Why are there even burdens that must be carried?

I believe that You are infinitely in control, I just don't understand. I believe that You can do incredible things if You so will. God, why don't you will? You have created unfathomable depths & endless expanses of sky why won't You shield Your children? You have aligned the planets perfectly & set time in motion--then why won't You save us from the evil that overcomes us?

You are the Alpha & Omega, the Beginning & the End. You are The Great Physician, the God of Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob. You are the Great Jehova & You are my Abba. Abba, how long will you stay Your hand? I have felt the comfort of Your arms on more than one occasion--sometimes when you were the only Father that I believed I had. I beg of You to reveal that side of Yourself to those that I love. Let them find the shelter in Your arms that I have experienced. Let them find solace in the circle of Your arms that is the only true shield from The Evil One, for evil cannot even enter into Your presence, yet somehow, You have allowed me to crawl upon Your lap.

I don't understand it, but Abba, I am thankful.

So I am sorry for having stayed away for so long. Help me, Jesus, to be what I am intended to be: a post in the storm, standing for Your Infinite Truth when all others have bent & broken. I am nothing without You, God, nor do I desire to be.

I love you, Abba.

~ Melanie

Points To Ponder

2006-10-27T23:15:00.000-04:00

"The truth is not that God is finding us a place for our perfect gifts, but that God has created us & our gifts for a place of His choosing--that we will only be ourselves when we are finally there."
- Os Guinness, The Call

Here I Go Again

2006-10-25T02:53:00.000-04:00

2:37am-- I'm definitly sitting in the School of Music computer lab slowly waking up after an hour long nap on the floor. I'm pulling an all nighter trying to perfect my recital piece that I have to perform on Thursday night. But never fear, I am duly equipped for whatever might occur tonight. I am armed with a pillow and blanked for power naps as well as Cheez-Its & Red Bull.

Something tells me I'm in college.

& Now...For A Little Perspective

2006-10-07T16:07:00.000-04:00

Read them all...it's totally worth it!

Sarah Jane

by Out of Eden

Little Sarah Jane ran away from home

14 & pregnant, she was all alone

Couldn't run from wrong, & was gonna be sent away

Walkin' with her black & blue eyes full of tears

The burden that she carries--much to old for her years

Looking at her face would confirm your worst fears

But instead she goes unnoticed

Sarah Jane: another girl who is dying inside

You'd think that someone would stop

But we hide, too intent on completing our day

& she's left there to say.

Do you hear me?

Can you see me?

Walking down the street watchin you.

You could help me

But your not looking

I bet you would if only you knew

You could make a difference.

Do you hear me?
Can you see me?
Walking down the street watchin you.

I want to make it

How can I get there?

If you showed me that you cared, you know

You could make the difference

He's left to watch the world from the 15th floor

Alone with the reminder, don't go out anymore

You know those boys are trouble here in our neighborhood

But you're my boy & you've got the chance to be something good

Still the call fo the streets was too much to ignore

Now he's caught up in the game & can't find an open door

He's a good boy gone bad, & he's trying to get out

But everyone's too afraid to hear what he's talking about

Marcus Brown, lives a life much too old for his age

If no one responds, he'll be words on a page

ANother statistic dead cause no calls were made

To check on the boy who was missing from 5th grade

Everywhere you turn there's hurting people passing by

It's such a shame that we could change a life but we don't try

To look outside our world & see

Into the problems in this place

The children need an answer & God needs your face

Scream

by ZoeGirl

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, but you're not listening to me
Do I have to Scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again

Do I have to Scream, for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, but your not listening to me
Do I have to Scream?

I'm on my knees I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand
Cause I'm clean, for you're listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream

Saving Grace

by Point of Grace

She had her father's blue eyes

He left home before she arrived

Mama named her Grace

Just getting by on their own

When Grace was 15 she ran from home

One December day

Grace is lost & alone

In a world that's cold as stone

God is counting on us

To reach her with His love

It's all about Saving Grace

All about living love

Being Jesus to those He came to save

Sharing life & giving our own away.

Serving God & Saving Grace

She'd never darken the door

Of any church, she would say

"What for? No one there would care for me"

We've got to go where she lives

Simply show her who Jesus is

Watch Him set her free

'Cause grace flows down from above

& faith requires a selfless love

For a world that's dying to see

The hope in you & me

There are countless millions just like Grace

Who need a merciful embrace

They won't believe our God is real

Until they feel His love.

Are you sensing a trend here?

Just Another Day In Paradise

2006-10-02T11:54:00.000-04:00

7:15 am
It's Monday. The sky is oevercast, & the bustles already begun. Outside, the trees (their leaves now changing) rustle with the strong breeze & it looks like rain. The natural scene is interrupted by the blaring of the synthesized cell phone rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus blaring from the bedside of the top floor of Alpha. The girl sits up, looks around, before shutting off the alarm, groaning, & swinging her feet onto the floor. A quick shower & dressing (no time for makeup or dry hair), grabs her books & she's out the door.

9:00am
That's one class over & done with...it's off to Byers! A half hour of conducting rehearsal followed by 30 minutes of piano warm-up before heading off to her piano lesson. At the lesson, she is strongly encouraged by the progress she seems to be making on the memorizing of her Brahms piece. Then she & the piano teacher proceed to royally geek out regrading the ingenious chordal structure of the piece in question. After her lesson, she drops by the theory professor's office to discuss the structure of that particular piece & ends up in a lengthy discussion of the patterns of counterpoint melodies & how it applies to the general signatures of early Brahms pieces.

Noon
After a fascinating discussion, she returns to her room, promptly filling her hot pot with water to boil for Ramen & reheating a cup of coffee. Settling into her desk, she writes a short blog before beginning a piece of homework. As she adjusts the manuscript paper tha clutters her desk she thinks:

I love being a music major.

:-D

A Plea For My Own Sanity-

2006-09-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

To whom it may concern:

Please do not, under any circumstances, address the recent conflict between my two families. I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to tell you what the other party is thinking, feeling, or struggling with. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't want to talk about it. I'm currently feeling like I'm caught in the middle & I'm feeling pressured to be an informant on both sides & I'M. SICK. OF. IT.

Furthermore, please don't analyze what I'm feeling regarding all of this, apologize for having put me in this sort of position, or think that I'm angry at you.

Because I'm not.

I am, however, frustrated with the fact that there is such dire need on one side of the family, animosity between the two families, & that I am helpless to resolve this situation. It is my prayer that some sort of end will come & if not.......

I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for your time in reading this, I'm going to go to work now.

That is all.

Another Time, Another Place

2006-09-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

The cherry red Probe makes it's way leisurely down the lane, taking time to absorb the cool breeze as it blows through the open windows & skims acrossed lake. The changing leaves rustle, creating a symphony of sounds that weaves tale of a time so beloved that one hold's their breath, praying in vain that the song never ends. The fading light mirrors off the still water, blinding to those passing by in it's majesty. The boats bob gently at the dock, their sails point upwards, like hands raised in adoration, giving praise to the Creator of such beauty. In the car, a redhead & a freshman sit contentedly in their seats, listening to Norah Jones & enjoying the scenery in addition to the company of the other.

Wandering aimlessly down a brick-covered lane, their laughter mingles with the cricket's chirp, creating a marriage of peace & joy that lights up the night. The noise is hushed however upon their arrival as they stand in awe of the spendor of the night sky before them. He points out the various constellations, turning her this way & that for the perfect view of each section of their side of the universe.

That was a two years ago & many things have changed. The lake is still there, with the trees that bow over the road as a red car drives down the lane. The Probe, however, is now an Oldsmobile & the freshman, not so fresh. It's The Fray, instead of Norah Jones that can be heard from the open windows of the car. The redhead has driven off into the sunset, off to uncover what lies in store for him, leaving me behind (in a way) to manage what remains.

Making my way down the cobblestones where we once embraced, I am alone. The carefree times that once seemed endless has now given way to schedules, days off, and long-distance phone calls. As I stand in the still breathtaking cul-de-sac listening to the familiar song of the leaves in autumn, I adjust the piece of silver on my left hand, enjoying the sparkle & the confort it instigates.

& I think of you & smile.

The More Things Change...

2006-09-25T23:25:00.000-04:00

Lately I have come to realize what drastic changes have taken place since my freshman year at Grace. Some things are more obvious: physical appearance of people as they have gotten older, a more deep rooted contentment of many of the people that I hung out with during that first year at Grace. However, one of the things that has astonished me this poast week has been the realization of how many people devoted time pouring into me freshman year. Deb, Prof, Mr. Robbins, Matt, & Laura in particular, but many others as well. However, one person that I have been appreciating more & more recently has been Sarah.

Sarah M. was my next door neighbor on dear, old A3W. A senior, she was the epitomy of everything I wanted to be: content, having a decent handle on everything, an admirable walk with God, & just an overall coolness that I alternately coveted or aspired to mimic the more time I spent with her. There were many times where I would plop in her room & just chat about everything & nothing in particular, just to hear what she had to say. It's not to say that I could always find her in her room, because there were many times in which I would hang out & not find her for quite some time. However, I really treasured the time that we were able to talk, because I learned so much from her in that short amount of time.

The interesting thing that I'd been observing recently has been the fact that I've noticed I've been developing the same sort of relationship with a freshman on my hall as the relationship that Sarah & I had then. Her name's Michelle, though she prefers to be called Pookie & she's from east side Chicago. She drops by my room periodically just to chew the fat. We drink tea & listen to Kelly Clarkson & talk about life in general. A lot of time I spend encouraging her to continue working hard on her studies & to hang on with all the changes that are going on in her life. There were several times during our conversation tonight when I heard myself saying some of things that Sarah had told me on our late night talk sessions.

Since my freshman year, Sarah has graduated & is now in the counseling program. She's married an amazing man (whom I consequently work with) & I'm now able to experience a new facet of Sarah's contentedness. It feels like she & I are on more of the same level now, even though there will always be a 3 year gap between the two of us. We talk at lunch more frequently now, and are able to really share our hearts with mutual understanding...especially in regards to the significant other standpoint. Now however, I've come to appreciate Sarah for the woman that she is, as opposed to the leader that I viewed her as before.

It's interesting to me how everything has come full circle. Suddenly I'm the upperclassman who is taking an extroverted (but lost feeling) freshman under my wing. I would have never dreamed that I would ever have that opportunity to have the same sort of ministry that Sarah had with me. Oddly enough though, what Sarah has now will be in part, what I will have next school year (God willing). The cycle is continuing & hopefully one day next year, it will be Pookie & I sitting acrossed from each other, sharing our hearts, with some freshman in her own care.

In The Light

2006-09-18T17:36:00.000-04:00

I wanna be in the Light

As You are in the Light

I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation

Cause all I want is to be in the Light

All I want is to be in the Light

- DC Talk

StrengthQuest Test Results

2006-09-15T09:07:00.000-04:00

I just got back the results from a test that I had to take for a class that determines what your strengths are. The results, however, kinda surprised me, & I'm not sure what I think of them. I would greatly appreciate some feedback from you guys as to how accurate it actually is. Some of them really make sense...what do you guys think?

Connectedness

Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

Ideation

You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these. Who can be sure? What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling. And on most days this is enough.

Strategic

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, "What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?" This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path-your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: "What if?" Select. Strike.

Developer

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth-a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments-invisible to some-are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Restorative

You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Realizations

2006-09-14T11:19:00.000-04:00

Because of You
by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery.
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard.
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same dang thing

Because Of You

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because Of You

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because Of You

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because Of You

I am afraid.

To Whom It May Concern,

2006-09-11T15:27:00.000-04:00

Picture this:

She hits the snooze button on her alarm yet another time before groaning & rolling out of bed, groggily assessing the scene before her. Groceries (some opened) litter the floor along with dirty laundry & dishes while the bed doesn't even resemble being made, in fact, she had resorted to simply adding another blanket to ward the slightly chilly room, rather than tucking the blankets in more securely on her bed. With a sigh, she glances from the mirror to the clock & back-no time for a shower this morning! The jeans & shirt she had fallen asleep in the night before would have to suffice as well. Gathering her hair up in a clip while uses the facilities, she grabs her notebook from the pile of books at the end of the bed (last night's attempt at homework) before half-jogging to avoid being late for her first class of the day.

In between classes she cranked out a paper, barely making the word quota before heading off to do the next thing. Lunch was out of the question, she had to push herself through another painful piano practice, so she grabbed a couple of oreos on her way to work. At work, she fought off the waves of panic that came with being needlessly behind while frantically dumped caffein into her system, hoping to steady her shaking hands.

At the end of her shift, she listened to her voice mails & thus begins the phone calls...one who misses her, another who is back in the hospital, still another who needs to talk to her about..., someone else wants to know where she's been and another wants to know when we can get together. People are more important she thinks as she listens to what God has been teaching another & attempts to take notes from a book simultaneously. The person on the phone get's frustrated at her not listening & she finally gives up on the homework I'll deal with this tomorrow. Hanging up the phone, she glances at the clock: 2:30am. Sighing, she sets her alarm for the morning & as she settles in to her bed she thinks:

Somethings gotta change.

As ashamed as I am to admit it, this is how I've been living this past week: frustrated, frantic, & extremely fearful. I'm trying to do good to everyone, & intead I'm exaspirating myself because I can't seem to do anything right. Worst off, however, is that last night I discovered that I've been hurt some people that I care deeply for: which means something has to change.

The problem then becomes what it is that I'm going to change. That's what this week is about.

Over then next week (beginnning today at noon & ending Sunday night), I'm going to be taking a break from people. I know, I know, Who are you & what have you done with Melanie Ticen?!?!?! (quote from Nick) but it's true. I have to step back from all of you guys for a week & just figure out what my priorities are. I've burnt myself out from everything & I just need to refocus. Over the course of this week, I intend to go to my classes, eat regular meals, do homework, go to chapel & work, while spending the time that I would be traditionally be communicating with my people to be communicating with the one friend that I've been ignoring most: God.

Practically speaking what this means is that I won't be on aim & my phone will be off for the next few days, though I will be checking my voice mail in the evening to make sure that there are no real emergencies...so if you want to leave me a message that's fine, I just won't be returning it until after Monday. I'll still be checking my email, so if you really need something you can shoot me an email at ticenmr@grace.edu if you like.

The one mode of communication that I will be maintaining is here: my blog. Actually, what I'm hoping to do is to blog every night before going to bed to let you all know that I'm still alive & hopefully relay the sort of things that God is instilling in me. As usual, you are more than welcome to comment or to let me know what's going on in your lives or give me input as to what you think about whatever the topics covered are.

Please understand that none of this is any of your faults. I have allowed myself to get to this point & for both my sake & you guys that I care so much about, I have to fix this soon, lest I become a liability to you rather than the friend you all need me to be. If you think about me, pray for me, that I would uncover God's direction for my priorities & be willing to learn whatever it is the He wants from me.

I look forward to hearing you guy's feedback in the coming week.

I love you!

~Melanie ~

An Old Favorite

2006-09-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

I adore Rich Mullins. Everytime I really need a reality check as to what's truly important, I listen to his music & get a quick recharge. This is one of my favorite songs of his. It has as tenderness directed towards Christ, but at the same time he's very realistic as to the conditions of his heart. I've got the feeling, however, that there are more people that need to hear this than just me....hope it impacts you guys as much as it does me.

Hold Me Jesus

Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
I'm singing hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Revelations From The Dorm Room

2006-09-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

The Roommate & I have decided......

Deb Musser with a meat cleaver would be bad.
(but it's an amazing mental image!!!!!)

Poignant, yet Possibly Pointless Ponderings

2006-09-06T17:05:00.000-04:00

At this point in my life, I really have expected to have some sort of grasp as to who the heck I am. Over the course of the past three weeks at Grace, though, I have learned a great deal about myself & how I relate to others. All things considered, things haven't been too bad around here- though I have to say that I've been busy enough that if things are going too badly, I really haven't had time to notice. Things haven't been peaches n cream either, for there have been many things that have brough rather surprising turns of events.

Unsurprisingly, rooming with Ash has been amazing. In my humble opinion, she & I work well together & manage to keep ourselves accountible & light spirited along the way...for the most part. It's really been nice to crash with her in the evenings & talk about our days as a sort of detoxing...which has be good for at least me.

One of the things that I have been surprised to have encountered is this concept of fear. I have never really considered myself to be a fearful person, even with all my own misgivings. However, the past few weeks I have really had to confront a ton of fears that I have found hiding in me that have chosen this particular time to surface. Additionally, these fears have been all inclusive to nearly every aspect of my life, such as relationships, academics, family, finances, and deadlines. It's not as if these fears dabilitate me, but they do create loads & loads of stress to my already hectic thought process, which puts unneeded strain on my life in general.

How I've reacted to this dealing with fear has surprised me though. I have reacted to all of this by being highly anti-social! Not just a focused "I have things to do" anti-socialness but rather an "I don't want to...leave me alone" anti-socialness. The thing about it is that I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should somehow force myself to do something, but when I do, I end up exhausted. You'd think that I was an introvert or something!

Another thing I have been contending with is loneliness. As Mom pointed out sometime this week, it's not as if I am without people who care about me. Ash, Nick, Laura, Matt, Prof., Deb, & Janice all love me very much...maybe sometimes more than I deserve. The thing is that I miss my people from back home alot! Because somehow it makes me feel better, I have come up with a list of things I miss from home (which are in no particular order)

- Mom
- Voss Spagghetti
- Closing at Pizza Hut w/ Sara
- Driving I65 with Caleb as we sing with radio at the top of our lungs.
- Lydia hugs
- Crashing at Shmanda's house....just cause I could.
- Mel Parties
- Making fun of Ginny
- Burr Oak
- "Guess what happened today..." stories with Bekah
- Talking to Chris in his truck for hours.
- Mom's cooking
- Figaro
- Grandma & Grandpa
- Talkin' trash to Jon
- Talking to Mary V.
- Joshy smiles
- Having massive intellectual debates with Chris Griese
- Debbie Time!!!!
- Kicking it with Caleb
- Eric (enough said!)

I was pleasantly surprised when Brian, Debbie, & Caleb randomly showed up at Alpha last Sunday. I was so excited to see them, it was ridiculous. After a tour of campus & Winona Lake, we went out to dinner at Hacienda & then hung out at the park for quite some time. I showed Caleb around all the Eric & Mel hotspots & everything. Lastly, we hung out at Tree Of Life before we both headed back to reality. It was so nice to see them, especially with as much loneliness as I have been dealing with lately. Thanks so much to you guys for coming to see me, it meant more than you will ever know.

Speaking of Hacienda, did I tell you that I got a job there? Both Matt & Ash work there as well, so it's kinda nice to already know someone there. Really the transitions havent been too bad, though I have to say that the computer ordering system has been a thorn in my flesh most of the time. As of right now, I'm through with my training & am on tables by myself (& thus far I've had some of the best sales averages!) It's a much more complex job than Pizza Hut, but I'm enjoying it thus far. Pray for patience for both Ash & I as we continue to transition into our new job!

So yeah, that's my life right now. Sorry it has taken me a while to update...I'm going to attempt to do this more often now that I'm starting to get the hang of my new schedule. Hope all is well with all of you!

Much Love,

Mel

As Syllabus Shock Sets In......

2006-08-29T00:50:00.000-04:00

Me: Gaaaa! Why am I in college?
Ash: Because you are a masochist!

So true.....

Suitable Quote

2006-08-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."

A Legitimate Update

2006-08-11T13:13:00.000-04:00

Apologies to all my adoring readers--it has been a crazy month as you will see below.

First off, it is official, Eric & I are engaged. We have set the wedding date for August 11, 2007 here in Rensselaer. In the time before school, I have been working out the big picture details regarding the wedding, however, mcuh of the planning will have to wait for the breaks from school & summer itself. Stay tuned, however, for an entry on the proposal itself...which is a fun story :-D

Next off, I have 8 days exactly until I head back to Grace, namely Alpha! Having just recieved an update as to the condition of the Music Dept....excuse me, Grace College School of Music--I'm sure that there are many suprises in store for me as I adjust to being at Grace once more.

While I am adjusting to Grace, however, Eric is doing some adjusting of his own. As I'm sure most of you have heard, Eric is in Nebraska working at Grace Children's Home in Henderson. I'm not going to lie, this past week or so has been hard because I really miss him. The hardest part has not been the distance itself, but rather the fact that we aren't able to talk nearly as much on the phone as we did before...which is taking it's toll. However, we both believe that this is where God wants him to be (& he's enjoying himself for the most part!) so we know that we'll get throguh this somehow.

In preparation for Eric's departure, I was definitly looking forward to a chance to allow myself to ease into going back to Grace, however that has not been the case at all. My dear car decided to take leave of it's gas pump...which has required much flexibility on my part (not to mention my pocketbook!) However, God has been good & the Voss's have offered me the use of Micah's car in his abscence until my car is functioning properly.

Speaking of the Voss's...I've been living with them for a while. A series of unfortunate events has made it so that it's definitly the best thing for all parties for me to be there. In an ideal situation it's not really where I would choose to be, however, there are many good things that have happened as a result of it, accompanied by some hard times. I truly believe, however, that God is working & will work many mighty things out of this situation...so until then I have to just sit tight & wait for Him to work, while sipping as many glasses of green tea as I can. :-D

My last day of work at The Hut is Wednesday & though I'm defintly going to miss the people there (at least most of them!) I'm ready to embark on something different--I've definitly been feeling the onset of burn-out as I've been closing nearly every night for the last two weeks. It was kind of neat though, because the manager who hired me initially closed with me last night (which wouldn't have been such a big deal had she not been transferrred to another store this spring) & commented that I had "filled out my job quite nicely"...which is a big complement from her. It was neat to see it all come full circle as I end my time at The Hut.

While I'm not sure where exactly I'll be working upon my return to Warsaw, I'm planning on either working at Ruby Tuesdays or Hacienda as the closing server...I'll keep you posted as to where I will be working at definitively--just in case you should want to drop by & visit a cute waitress. :-D

Hmm, I think that's all for now, I would appreciate your prayers with everything that has been going on & I hope to get to see you all fairly soon one way or another!

Much Love,

Mel

Thanks, Micah

2006-08-02T23:16:00.000-04:00

The Voice of Truth
By Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
On to the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand.

But the waves are calling out my name
& they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before & failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time & time again "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But The Voice Of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says "Do no be afraid!"
The Voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen & believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling & a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the stregnth to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
& he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before & failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time & Time again "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But The Voice Of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says "Do no be afraid!"
The Voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen & believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
& the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop & listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me.

But The Voice Of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says "Do no be afraid!"
The Voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen & believe the Voice of Truth

For she whom I love most.

The Nebraska Chronicles (Part 2)

2006-07-06T12:47:00.000-04:00

The next morning, I arose at what seemed ungodily early to prepare for the day. Still feeling slightly unsettled from the evening before, I was determined to overcome the uneasiness by barging into the day full force in a very oldest child, extroverted fashion. And if I was going to take the day by storm, dangit, I was going to look good doing it!

According to the schedule, Eric & I were to be split up for the morning to enjoy breakfast & church with our respective cabins: I to Bader, & he back to Boy's cottage. Being the curious people-watcher that I am, I was definitly eager to see how things were "the morning after" a conflict: whether the tension of the night before carried over to the next day or things began anew in the morning.

Though I sensed a bit of tension upon my arrival, there really didn't seem to be huge ramifications from the previous evening (for which I was thankful for!). After a fantastic breakfast (courtesy of Anne), we loaded up in the 15 passenger van & headed off to church. As I climbed out of the front seat of "The Badermobile" when we arrived, I felt a queer feeling in the pit of my stomach, similar to what you feel when you hear suspenseful music during a movie....as if you were expecting something--which causes all your muscles to bunch up, mentally bracing yourself for the unknown. As I climbed the steps there was really only one though in my mind.

"Uh oh"

Following Molly & Anne into the adult Sunday School class, I was struck with how similar this class was to that of the Sunday Schools back hom in Chalmers. I was by far the youngest person there & incidentally, the combination of Anne, Molly & I would likely resulted in the age of the teacher, an elderly man of perhaps 60.

Tom & his wife, Doris, were the teachers for this mixed group of perhaps 15 or so adults. Their study, The Power of a Praying Parent was an ongoing one, that was seemingly striking a chord for most of the people, as undoubtledly they were all parents (you can recognize them a mile away!!) save us three, (considering their job, Molly & Anne were much closer to being so than I!).

In that day's lesson we were discussing the concepts of gifts & talents, focusing mainly on David & how God equipped him with certain traits in order to best equipe him for his intended tasks. Over the course of David's life, He had shaped David with all sorts of things--such as being handsome, musically inclined, & eloquent, in addition to being of good reputation all around. As we discussed, these talents in & of themselves were good things, but not inclusively usefull for anything other than being a good thing. However, once all were combined & used in a manner focused solely on pleasing God--they were magnifacent things, able to lead armies into battle & lead the masses in a way that pointed towards God.

The kicker to it all however, was in the application. The question was, what talents had we each been given & then how we were using them to bring glory to God. After all, who we with our talents apart from God was good, but completely useless without being put to good use towards the One who gave those gifts to us.

Sitting there pondering, I came to the realization of what my gifts are: encouragement, an ability to connect with people (particularly kids), organization, eloquence, & music. That question was easy enough. However, the latter was infinitly more complex because I began to wonder how I am using those talents to bring glory to God & more importantly, was I doing what God wanted me to do with these gifts?

Thankfully, the classtime was over before it was my turn to answer the question & I pensively joined everyone else in the sanctuary for the service itself. Thankful for the relative anonymity, I fell into step with the crowd, until I caught sight of Pam outside the auditorium doors. She was looking intimidated, but lined up in the last three rows with all the rest of the girls anyways. Catching her eye, I smiled & slipped into the seat next to her. Early on in the service, Pam whispers to me that she's never been to church before. Despite this fact, however, she sight-read the hymns exceptionally well, exciting the music major in me. :-D

On a scale of pastorial sermons that I've heard...this wasn't nearly in depth as I would have like, due to the abundance of illustrations used over the course of the sermon. However, his points definitly drove home. His passage was from 2 Timothy, in which Paul exhorts Timothy to focus on what really matters in life: God & ministering to others (in that order!). He then listed off several distracting things that were applicable in both time periods such as social norms, personal aspirations, family expectations, & education that would detract from how God would want to use His chosen ones.

Sitting there, I felt waves of conviction wash over me as I began to realize how warped my priorities have been. All of the things that the pastor mentioned were things that had caused me to make the decisions that I have as of late. Not that therer is anything wrong with any of those particular things...because they are all good things, so long as I maintain the fact that I have to stay focused on what's really important, which is God & His plans for me. Am I standing in the way of God doing something incredible by letting other motives dictate my actions, rather than God? What am I missing out on? Is taking the risk worth it?

The Pastor ended his sermon with communion--calling for a renewed vigor in our walks with God. Were we willing to truly take up our crosses & follow Him, regardless of the task that He set before us? I knew that I really had no other choice--I had to truly follow Christ, regardless of the cost. I wasn't sure what that would pertain to, but if it meant working at the children's home, well then God was gonna have to work a whole lot of things out, because I certainly couldn't do it!

After church, we returned back to Bader for lunch & were joined by Molly's parents, who responded to me harshly--though I'm not sure whether they believed me to be one of the students or staff. Despitet that however, neither seemed like an appropriate excuse for behavior such as what occured--however, I suppose being treated unkindly is something that would go with the job itself.

A little later, Eric & I met up for coffee with Ryan (the aforementioned contact person) & consequentially an interview for the both of us--which I believed to go quite well. Over the course of the interview, you could really identify the stark personality differences between Eric & I. Throughout the conversation, I sat curled up on the chair, with a cup of mint mocha in my hand whereas Eric had a cup of strong, black coffee & sat up straight, though relaxed in his chair. When the questions were asked I, after a moment of hesitation would respond by gut instict--being very honest & not worrying altogether too much about what "the right answer" was. Eric, however, would pause for several minutes, trying to think of the best answer (not to mention his introverted nature coming through at that point!). I thought that to be more fascinating than the interview itself was the stark difference of who we are.

Monday, our last day in Nebraska, we had a second interview with Brian--the executive director of the Children's Home.......at 8am!!!! Needless to say, I was definitly the quieter one of the two. I sat there, slightly perturbed at the hour as Brian & Eric discussed insurance & benifits. Granted, they were all very important things for one to be informed about, however, did they have to do it at 8am in the morning....& furthermore...did I have to be there for it??!?!
I'm pretty sure that that interview went well, though I'm not entirely sure as I was really very conscious throughout the meeting itself.

The rest of our time in Nebraska was spent going from one house to another, saying goodbyes, gathering our belongings & packing up the car for our journey home. Our trip home was (relatively) uneventful but highly enjoyable, the scenery was just as good as the trip there...we merely were anticipating the breathtaking scenery, rather than being taken aback by it's awesomeness. Though I must say that I was glad to see the familiar Casey's General Store signs & the unending cornfields on either side of the road we drive upon, bringing the promise of home with each town we drove through. Indiana, afterall, is home.

At leastfor right now.

The Nebraska Chronicles

2006-06-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

So there I was, enjoying a deep sleep when I am aware of a strange, tickly feeling on my cheek. I start, to find a certain early-rising (& grinning!) redhead, straightening up from having bent over the bed to wake me up.

" 'Morning, Beautiful. We gotta go!"

"Wha?! Oh right, Nebraska......k."

And that, my friends was the beginning of it all. After some grumbling on my part, Eric (who had already dressed & had two cups of coffee) & I (who was still in my pj's & mumbling profusely) hauled ourselves out into The Boat (Eric's car) & set out on what would be a 14 hour roadtrip to Henderson, Nebraska, where we were to visit a Mennonite group home in which Eric is considering working at in the upcoming months.

Overall, the drive out there was (relatively) uneventful, though once out of Indiana, the semi-truckers were ruthless & there were definitly moments in which we were a bit startled at their agressive driving & potentially hazardous weaving in & out of interstate traffic. Once in Iowa, however, the scenery was well worth it all. The rolling hills, beautiful woods, & just gorgeous creation spanning around us on all sides was simply breathtaking. I definitly found myself in awe of the workmanship of God (& wishing that I would have the oppotunity to experience such things more frequently). Additionally, it was really nice to get to spend some quality time with Eric & get a chance to just be together, without any particular outside influences.

Along the way, we also got to experience some fun sights, including The World's Largest Truckstop (which had to be one of the hokiest things I've ever seen in my life!, Eureka College (alma mater to Ronald Reagan), drive on the Eisenhower Interstate, & see the Herbert Hoover Highway & rest stop. All highly exciting experiences you know *snicker snicker*

At long last, after about 14 hours of driving, we arrived in Henderson. We met our contact, Ryan & he took us to the places we would be staying. I, was privaledged to have an entire cottage to myself (though that first night it was a little scary!). The Cove, as my cottage was named, was one of the houses which were used as a resident for married couples working at Grace Children's Home, but was currently uninhabited---therefor my residing there! Eric was then taken to the Sandcastle a cottage on the other side of the town which was obviously the residence of several single men.......I'll leave it at that :-D

Saturday morning, we were sent to two different cottages, appropriately named Boys Cottage & Girls Cottage. I went to Girls Cottage, the "bad-girl" cottage, while Eric was at Boy's Cottage. By mid-afternoon I was more than overwhelmed. The girls I encountered really weren't any different than any other of the girls we met, in fact, it almost seems like their "issues" were ones that were actually less severe than that of the other girls (whom I'll talk about later!). What was disctinctly different about the girls in these cottages was how they handled their issues. The result was of a very tough girl, hardened by the world & handled in a fashion that was highly agressive, but passive simultaneously. One girl, for example, stared me down for what seems like hours, as if I were a threat to her regime (as it turns out, she was the head female in the pecking order). What else was I to do, but to return her stare....revised. I proceed to make faces at her including crossing & uncrossing my eyes as well as the tried & true fishface. To this end, she has no choice but to roll her eyes & stalk out the room.

I think I handled that maturely, don't you?

Though I don't think I really saw any hugely profound moments that morning, I definitly got to experience the real life issues that would be taking place in such a job. Erika, the house mom at Girls Cottage, was definitly experiencing burn-out as not only was she newer at the job position, but also wsa attempting to care for her 9 month old son. Her husband Justin, however, did a fantastic job of picking up the slack, his enthusiasm for both the job & ministering to the kids was definitly contageous, as he continued to look for new opportunities to teach the girls, including having the girls evaluate their own work in order to teach them work ethic & how to take pride in their own abilities.

After a brief tour of Henderson (which strongly resembled Remington or Pierceton) I was undoubtedly ready for some of R&R that was provided for in my schedule. Unsurprisingly, however, I wasn't ablle to accomplish that, for I encountered my Travelling Buddy (Eric) & we sat down to talk our day over. At that point, though, the fatigue was so great, that I really had neither the energy or the input to contribute, so I essentially listened to him.

His day at Boy's Cottage had been a fairly uneventful one, though he (like me) had asked a ton of questions of the workers& the kids, as well as observing the relationships between the caregivers & the kids & the relationship between the caregivers themselves. The teamwork required was one that impressed him immensely. The need that him him with it all impressed him immensely. The more I listened to him, however, the more I was struck by the calmness that he had about it all. He was very matter of fact about it all, as if this wasn't anything altogether new, seemingly almost treating like a research project, rather than something that he would be weighing the options. This particular approach to it, starkly contrasted my own frazzled-ness (which brought it's own convictions) & soothed me--allowing me to continue on with the rest of our itenerary for the day without any further inner ramifications.

From our break, we went to Bader Cottage, the newest cottage on campus. It was here that I most loved about the place. The home itself resembles an amplified version of the tradition suburbian home with it's high ceilings & (more) modern decorations. However, it was the people that I bonded with the most. Molly, Katie, Gretchen, & Anne (who arrived to relieve Gretchen & Katie later) were some of the most amazing women that I have ever met...& most of theme were Eric's & my age. The faith that these women possessed just astounded me, for you could definitly see that they weren't leaning on anything other than their walk with God to make it through this tough job.

The staff, however, weren't the only amazing people at Bader-- I have to say that I absolutely fell in love with the girls there. Shandy, & Pam were some of the ones who made the most notable influences with me were among the favorites that I encountered. Shandy, a rough & tumble girl with definitive anger issues, struck me immensely with her obsession with control: needing to have the last word in every discussion,constantly directing the girls in their various activities & (later on) her outbursts when she felt that her position as Alpha Female was threatened by the manipulations of one of the other girls. The thing that struck me with Shandy was the fact that she was so very hard hearted that you just wanted to hug her until she softened. She had been in the home the longest of all the girls (8 months) & was preparing to head home as she really hadn't made any marked progress. As you talked to her, you realized that she knew all "the right answers" however, it hadn't sunk into her head. All you really could do at that particular point is to pray that it would be imbedded in her heart as time went on, preserving her from what was to come.

Pam was almost the exact opposite of Shandy in every way. Pam, a little slip of a redhead, had only been in the home for almost a week. An orphan, she was learning to cope with very basic issues, such as responsibility, work ethic, & cooperation. I'm not entirely sure why exactly, but Pam clung to Eric & I throughout the night--making Eric an excellent smoothie (voluntarily) & playing as many card games with us as she could. Pam was the sort of little girl that really just motivated you to work the job because of her eyes. Behind those big grey eyes was a distinct pain that nearly drove you to tears & aroused a strong maternal instinct that could nearly drive you crazy.

Upon our arrival, we had dinner with the girls & then began rounds of card games at the tables. Everyone all gathered around the table & split into various groups playing different games. Eric & learned a new game, called Trash, with a couple of the girls, & Eric inevitably won (*grumble grumble*). Afterwards, it was off the gym for a game of Volleyball, which was the onset of some conflict between the girls. Personalities clashed & when we returned to the cottage, exploded & all at once there were issues with at least four of the girls. Screaming, yelling, & a prolonged, emotional phone call to one of the girl's mom left a profound mark on the staff. As I looked around the kitchen counter at these women & listened to them vent, I was struck with the profound need for encouragement to the staff, but realized that I really couldn't genuinly say anthing, because I was just observing, & had no real concept as to what they dealt with on a daily basis. Discouraged-though deeply impressed upon, we left for the night & returned to The Cove for a long discussion before heading to bed.

As I lay in bed that night, I felt so very torn. On one hand, I felt such a great need to be an encouragement to the staff as well & longing to establish a relationship with these obviously wounded girls. Yet at the same time, I felt distinctly inadequate. Who was I to even consider such a job when I was barely older than some of those girls myself? How on earth was I supposed to do this--I didn't have the relationship with God that these women obviosuly did! These thoughts, in classic Melanie fashion, bounced around in my head with no silence to be found. It wasn't for another hour that I finally drifted off to sleep, with the perpetual image of wounded gray eyes staring mournfully at me behind my eyelids.

To be continued.....

Something

2006-06-15T15:03:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, folks, I have tried to post twice & blogger, seemingly on strike, has refused to post my progress reports until now. *A pox on technology* Therefor, in the few brief moments I have before I zoom off to work, I will do a brief update in the hopes that I could expand upon it a bit later.

I suppose the biggest news is that I've been in Nebraska, which, in many ways resembles rural Indiana, though it had a distinct "enclosure" feel to it as well. I visited the Grace Childrens Group Home there with Eric & made some wonderful...though difficult discoveries with this trip....but more will come on that later.

I'm definitly going to Grace in the fall & furthermore, my roommate on Alpha 3rd will be none other than Ash!!!!!!! *angelic choir sings!* Needless to say, I'm really excited about this. As we start looking towards the upcoming semester, we are making plans as to how the room should be (& how it shouldn't be!) & planning various strategies to avoid killing ourselves or each other.

Hmmm, I'm working quite a bit lately, though my trend seems to be to close Monday, Wednesday, &Friday for those of you that would attempt to get a hold of me. I'm actually glad to be back at work...I definitly enjoy my job & oddly enough I am starting to develop some friendships....ironic though considering the fact that I'm only going to be here another month.

Doesn't it figure?

I'm sorry that this is so vague & brief, however, I'm must be off once more to work. I hope all is well with all of you & that I'm not missing anything all that profound. Much love to you all & I hope to post soon!

Quotes of the Shmanda During "The Pianist"

2006-05-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

"Take your pickles & run!!!!"

"When I grow up, I'm going to marry a Nazi"

Need I say more?

And Now...The Moment Of Truth......

2006-05-23T16:11:00.000-04:00

Well, the polls are in & it's official......

I'm going to Grace College in the Fall!!!!!!!!!

I found out I was accepted last yesterday...when I'm dead asleep. I have to say that it was a nice way to wake up though.

Even after having gotten the official response, it took me awhile to make the decision to actually go. After all, Eric is heading to Nebraska sometime in the near future, & the temptation was definitly there to head out in that particular vicinity....you know, the pull of the great unknown, a certain handsome redhead to keep me company....all those wonderful components. However, in the end, my decision was to got to Grace for a year (after that....who knows what will happen?).

The more I begin to go through the rest of the paperwork for the return to Grace, the more excited I become. After all, this is something I've been working towards for quite some time. However, at the same time, I'm really scared about what I'm getting myself into. By my own admission, my Freshman year (academically speaking!) sucked. I didn't manage my time nearly as well as I should, & I just didn't apply myself. This year at Ivy Tech, I did really well, but then again, the standard is exceptionally lower than Grace is. Along with the excitement about my return "home", I'm afraid of repeating my freshman year. Not to mention the fact that Eric is now a factor in the picture, though not one that is locationally close. I just have this mental image of my being like the infamous Davis, dropping everything to talk to my significant other, regardless of the situation I find myself in.

This isn't to say that I'm not thrilled about going to Grace, 'cause I am. I'm bursting with excitement towards accomplishing something that I've set out to do. I'm just a little nervous as I get ready for yet another transitionary point.

You knw, though, as I read this entry, it reminds me of vomit.....lots of components all mixed together, & hurled uncerimoniously.

Oh well, I don't care that much.

Much Love!

Exciting Announcemen!!!!

2006-05-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

My file is going before the Grace Admissions committee this afternoon. I'm excited but scared too. I should know the results by next week!!!

Gaaa!

Making A List & Checking It Twice

2006-05-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

It's only been 2 weeks into the summer & already I can tell that there are going to be a lot of transitions occuring. Granted, I've known that they were coming since March, but that's beside the point. Since it seems like this is going to be one that will requre much organization in order to maintain my sanity, I have devised a list of goals with which I intend to achieve before August 17 (at which time I will subsequently be turning 20!)

- Get Accepted To Grace College
Granted, I've already got all of this in the works at this point in time, but nothing is guarenteed at this point. I still have to be accepted into both the college & the music dept, which is not a given at this point, regardless of what I wish would happen at this point. I won't possibly know alot of these things for quite some time...like the middle of June :-P

- Read The Odessey by Homer
This is something that I've decided I just need to do. I'm an avid reader of classics, & this is one that I have avoided at all costs, simply because it seemed like something I need to do in order to feel like I have become an accomplished reader.

- Finish reading The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galexy Series
I started reading this series last summer & made it as far as the middle part of The Resteraunt At The Other Side Of The Galexy before I returned to school for the summer. Now, I'm back to my quest of reading this hilarious book in an attempt to aleviate alot of the tension that I'm anticipating as a result of all the changes occuring.

- Watch Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Bekah
I know that this movie is a horrendous replica of the original tale by Dickens, but lately I've been looking at the score of various of the Disney movies & this is the only one that I'm not really fluid in...& from what I can tell, it has an amazing soundtrack. So really, I'm not watching it for the fantabulous cinematography or the amazing plot, but rather, strictly for the music (Imagine that!)

- Have At Least 6 Mel Parties
Somewhere along the way, I became someone who instigates people getting together. At Grace, I would arrange for the gang to get together & watch a movie, play pool, or something of the like. And somehow, I became the central character for people getting together.....I'm not conceited, I'm factual...it's wierd. Anywho, if you haven't been to a Mel Party you are missing out. Generally speaking, a Mel Party (how it got named for me, I will never know) consist of Caleb, Chris, Jamester, The One And Only Jesse, & I (occassionally adding Hayden, Rayanne, & other people who have ys in the middle of their name!). These parties consist of pizza, chocolate in some form, a Blockbuster movie....& mass quantities of Mountain Dew, & they generally take place at the Shelley's house!). It's a blast! Unfortunately, due to my busy schedule between work & school, we haven't been able to do so as much as I would like. However, considering the fact that the school factor has been removed currently, I'm planning on having quite a few Mel Parties taking place this summer. You boys have been warned!

- Take A Road Trip To Nebraska
Lately, the concept of Nebraska has been an issue that has come up repeatedly...so I'm planning making some type of roadtrip out there this summer. As of right now, I'm not sure when I will be doing so, but considering the fact that I've never taken a roadtrip before, I think that the summer before I turn 20 is a splendid time to do so. Additionally, I've never been to Nebraska...so why not?

- Make As Much Money As Possible
Duh! I'm a college kid!

- Spend Time With My Grandparents
This is something that I have been sorely neglecting over the course of the school year. My Grandparents are very important to me, particularly my Grandma, & due to my schedule, I haven't been able to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like. Therefor, I would like to be able to spend as much time with them as possible, as this, quite possibly, will be one of my last chances to do so.

- Sleep!

- Take Time To Read My Bible
Another tradition that I always adhere to in the summer is my habit of reading my Bible in the mornings on my front porch. In my mind, I love the idea of sleeping till 10 or so every morning, grabbing my Bible & a cup of tea & camping out on the front porch for an hour so. This school year, I have been known to read my Bible, accompanied by a cup of coffee at Barnes & Nobles after classes during the week (which, oddly enough is evident by my Bible, which took a bit of wear & tear, being stuck in my backpack & being exposed the occasional moisture from whatever it was that I was drinking at the time of reading!). However, there's something really wonderful about being able to have a cat curl up in your lap & just read The Word without having any interruptions around you, other than the business outside.

- Complete Schumann's Songs For The Youth Study
Upon hearing the title, one would assume that I had digressed in my studies in the piano in my abscence from the Grace Music Dept. Quite the contrary though! Actually, this is perhaps one of the most intense studies that I have ever done as with each entry, I encounter a more difficult piece than the one before it. The kicker, however, is the fact that I have very small hands as opposed to Schumann, who had paws!! In doing this study, I'm anticipating being able to not only expand my reach on the keyboard, but also become more deft in my playing, being more accurate for fast reaches in preparation for potentially returning to the Music Dept in the fall.

- Visit Fred & Minnie Once A Week
I know I've writting about Fred & Minnie before, but they are a wonderful couple from my parent church, with whom I have been able to develop a relationship with. They are an elderly couple ( 91& 87) who have been married for 70 years. Their health isn't so good right now, as Fred has cancer & Minnie recently had a minor stroke, so, I have taken it upon myself to watch out for them a little bit more, in order to keep them company, but make sure that they are either taking good care of themselves, or being taken care of (depending on the situation). They are notorious for their abundance of stories & considering their lifetimes, they have much to tell. In listening to them, you are able to glean so much information about who they are & how they have mangaed this thing called life.

-Watch The Sunset from The Overpass
This is something that I have been anticipating doing for some time. There's a spot out in the boondocks in which there's a random overpass of I65 which, in my mind can only be descirbed as terrifyingly beautiful. You stand there aboving this raging highway as massive trucks barrel underneath you at high speeds & the rush simply leaves you breathless. No matter which way you look, the horizon stretches out as far as you can see, an endless sea of possibilities. It's absolutely breathtaking.

Observations Of A Thrifty College Girl....

2006-05-17T12:53:00.000-04:00

8 Nutty Bar Snacks: $1

Taco Bell Soft Tacos: $.89

Family Express Refillable Coffee: $. 49

Being a college girl: Priceless

Breathe

2006-05-17T12:44:00.000-04:00

Breathe

by Anna Nalick

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I don't love him & winter just wasn't my season."

Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing, their eyes,

Like they have any right at all to criticize

Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track,

We're like cars on a cable.

And life's like an hourglass glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button girl

So just cradle your head in your hands

And Breathe, just Breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss

Just today he sat down with the flask in his fist
Aint been sober since maybe October of last year

Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile

But my God, it's so beautiful when that boy smile

Wanna hold him, but maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track,
We're like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands
And Breathe, just Breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you should

Cause you're just as far in as your'll ever be out

And mistakes you've made

You'll just make them again if you don't try turnin' around.

2am & I'm still awake writing this song.

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me

Threatining the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary screamin' out lout

And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track

We're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hoursglass glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing if you understand

But just Breathe

Just Breathe

-For Amanda

Grace or Why Do People Put Up With Me?

2006-05-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

Last week I had an audition at Grace in hopes of returning to the Music Dept. this fall. The audition itself was rather iffy (highly impersonal vice-chairpeople will do that to you *coughcoughDR. KRAFTcoughcough*). The audition itself went rather well, & in retrospect I think I did well....if so, though, why do I feel like I blew it? hmmmmmm

Afterwards, I was treated with Taco Bell with Matt, Ash, Eric & Nick followed by civic band practice (which I totally sucked at!). I'm definitly gonna have to work at this whole sight reading concept in regards to mallet percussions other than the piano. I'm sure that that will happen sooner or later, though.

Then it was off to Main View for some fellowship with Sandy, Reggie, & Joey. I actually got everyone carded....so we were moved to more private facilities: the uninhabited family room--curses for being a girl!

Being back in Alpha that night was wonderful, full of fantastic conversations with all of my girls- Laura, Hannah, & Ash. I have definitly missed those times of just sitting around a little dorm room hashing out life & the chaotic beauty of this thing called becoming a woman, & all the various facets that accompany it. I went to bed that night with a real sense of contentment. I'm proud of each of us girls & how far we've come in the last two years. We each came to Grace with a very different out look on life, one that was scared of other people, of reality, but mostly, of ourselves & what we'd find within us. To look at us now, we still have those same fears, but a slightly more calm, panoramic view of it all, with some semblance of peace as to who we really are in this world. It really was a glorious realization.

The next day, I hid myself in the Morgan Library, working on completing the last of my homework for the semester. A chat with Steve Robbins was wonderful where I heard about the "hail-sized golf ball" which had shattered one of the library windows shortly before. Apparently a certain gosh-darn Turk & Sloop had been sending gold balls acrossed the road when one of the two "misplaced" his ball--into the library. The library staff, having their signature quirky sense of humor, turned it into a war zone, complete with caution tape (not to mention an abundance of plywood & duct tape :-D) & the outline of a body (whose body consequently turned out to be that of a certain redhead I know) on the floor & a sign of the two perpertrators next to a kid's caddie with the words "return fire!!!!" next to it. It was definitly cool to see a bad situation
become a source of mirth among those that would encounter it.

After said redhead "saved" me from my academic isolationistic plight, we managed to escape for a walk around Winona Lake, which included a trek through some of the bike trails nearby. Now, I wasn't nicknamed "the fish" in school for no reason, so when the opportinty arose for wading in a little creek in the woods, I was all for it! Keeping my orange flip-flops on my feet I scampered around the creek bed, enjoying the feeling of the cool water on my toes & enjoying myself immensely. Eric however was not. As a matter of fact, he hates water, but after some taunting from a certain wet-footed brunette, I was able to cajole him across--only to return to the other side. After a few minutes, I decided to wade on down stream, to a shady part of the creek a little ways down. Off I went--only to inadvertantly discover a sink hole & *slurp* down I went, sandals & all up to my knees!

While my companion stood there on the bank, watching my plight, I dug myself out, though in the process, losing one of my sandals in the mire. Returning to the bank, I considered my plight. The water was deep enough that I would get really wet if I decided to dig for it & furthermore, I had no idea as to how deep my sandal was. Trying to save some semblance of face at my foolishness in front of my dignified boyfriend, who was watching, slightly amused from his dry position on the bank. With a laugh, I shrugged it off & prepared myself to walk the rest of the way with one or no sandals.

Your just going to leave it there? he asked. It's right there.

Yeah, it'll be ok, no big deal. I stutted, suddenly feeling really foolish.

With a sigh, he waded out towards where my shoe hypothetically lay---only to step into the sink hole itself. With an exlamation, he stood there, unsure as to what he should do. Laughing, I reached down & rolled up his now soaked jeans to above his knees. Then he reached around into the mud, coming up with a handful of the muck where he believed my sandal had been. Now determined to find my sandal, he stuck both hands in, until finally, with a slurping sound & an *ahah!* from my triumphant boyfriend, he retrieved my now muddy sandal from the mire & washed it off, while I continued to feel foolish, though loved.

After thanking him profusely, we continued our journey through the woods & onwards back to Alpha, where I grabbed my stuff (while maintaining the proper priorities *ask me about that story....NOT Eric!!!!!!!*) & we embarked on heading to the Bradley's for dinner.

Overall, it has impressed me, more than anything, about how good people are to me. I'm continually encountering people who love me as I am, regardless of my quirks & mischief that seems to follow me. the whole concept has, as a result, left me feeling very, very blessed.

Dr. Sanborn Quote: huminahuminahumina

2006-04-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

I currently am in mid-swing in the last weekend before school. Papers have been flying, due dates come & gone (most of which are met), & business is near the end. I've got plenty of things going on next week, what with finals & everything.

I had an audition at Grace this past Wednesday. It went well, though not nearly as well as I might have hoped (a pox upon G# melodic minor scales arrrrrgggggg!!!!!!!) Though Dr. Kraft was maddeningly formal, to the point that communication with him was almost nill. Phooey.

As for this summer, I don't have a lot of plans. I believe I'm going to be working mostly full time & reading a lot. I've missed reading since I've been so busy. I definitly look forward to sitting on the front porch with a glass of tea & reading...it's been a long time in coming.

Shout out to Ash, who has been busting her butt the last two semesters & has succeeded nicely. Honey, you're an example to us all.

Guess that's all for now. Stay tuned for stories about hail sized golf balls & digging for sandals. :-D

This Is Me Updating....

2006-04-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

Well, the end of my sophomore year of college has come upon me...& I'm soooo burned out. Not that this summer is going to be anything all that fantastic, but I'm definitly tired of being in school. I have to say though, that my finals schedule this semester isn't so bad. I have a Spanish final Monday, & History, Psychology & Government finals on Friday. It's not too bad, though I'm going to die on Friday. After that, though, I'm done!

I do want to let you guys know that if you have anything in particular that you want me to go to, you HAVE to let me know by the week of May 5. I'm going to be working my tail off the week after that, so if you want me to have a certain time off, you need to let me know well in advance. Summer is a little crazy at The Hut, & I need some semblance of a plan in going in to this....As well as a lot of other things!

Good luck to everyone on Dead Week...remember:

THE END IS NEAR!!!!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

2006-04-18T13:50:00.001-04:00

Despite the fact that it was only noon, it had laready been a long day already. Having cavities filled at the dentist will do that to you. However, having survived my ordeal, I headed off to visit my grandparents for a nice long chat. Unfortunately for me, they weren't home.

Oh well.

Now the trip to Grandmas has always been one that I have enjoyed. It's one of the few trips that I have ever made in which I automatically think of my dad. Many a time, I remember climbing in to the very back of the Ticen "bus" & making that beautiful trek out to see Grandma. Dad, naturally a slow driver, would drive along these hills at maybe 50 miles an hour, & I would stare out the window, listening to Dad's signature 60's oldies & savor the scenery of hills. The sunlight, warming my face was filtered only by the trees, which bowed over the narrow road, as if they were paying homage to the sun above them.

It was amazing.

Dad's favorite part of the trip back from Grandma's was always to take a little detour & visit Adam's mill, one of the few covered bridges in Indiana. I would watch the road twist & turn until at last you could see the quaint little bridge with the two windows on either side in which we could gaze out onto the river for a few minutes before Dad was ready to complete the drive home.

Now, it only seems fitting to stop by the old bridge on my way home.

As I turned down that familiar road, I felt a sense of peace sweep over me, but also a glimmer of sadness. On one hand, this is one of my favorite memories of my dad, the feeling of familiarity & childhood as I love to remember it to be. Yet, it also brought a realization that this old place, so cherished from my past, was just that, my past, something to be recalled fondly, but to be treated as such, rather than clinging to it steadfastly.

On impulse, I parked my car at the edge of the bridge & climbed out, opting to walk through the bridge for a better look at something I had seen so many times before. As I made my way to the middle of the bridge, my sandals made an echo, creating a complex rhythm with the woodpeckers & the rushing water beneath me. When I got to the window, I clambered up on of the beams, & swung my legs over, just to have a better look.

As I watched the water whoosh beneath the bridge, it made me think of the fact that recently I really feel like that water: rushing from one place to the other, though never entirely knowing what my final destination will be. In some part of me, I wish that I could just stop & stay in one place for a while, at least long enough to regain some semblance of direction & then move forward a new sense of purpse to take with me.

Yet somehow, I know that in doing so, I would become content to stay where I'm at, rather than moving on with the tide. Even now, I feel a part of me, tugging to just stay put with my familiar surroundings, for doing something different requires far to much. Go with what's easy says a part of me--it's safer after all.

As tempting as this side of me is, there is another voice that calls for me. One which has a familiar voice, though a strange message. What if there's more out there? What could you be? What sort of life would you be missing if you stayed here?

I am torn, yet I feel myself leaning toward the latter voice, though much reservations haunt my mind. What if I make a mistake? What if I'm wrong? Will I regret this? What will my family think? Ahh!!!!!!!

Despite all these thought whirling in my mind I am certain of only one thing.

It's time to go.

Like the water, I haven't any idea where I'm going or where I'll end up...& frankly I don't like that. I love having a plan & knowing where I'm going & what to expect when I get there. This spirng, the trend has been that all my plans have been scattered into oblivion, leaving me feeling lost & helpless--in search of something steady.

At the same time, I know that it's out there, if I'm willing to take the chance to find it. The problem now becomes having the descernment to know where I'm going & the courage to get there.

With a sigh, I climbed down from my perch & headed back towards my car. My sandals again created an echo in the bridge, but this time, it was mine that was the dominant sound, filled with a sense of both resignation but resolution as well. I was ready to leave.

Before climbing back into my car, I turned & looked a the bridge, full of memories, but more importantly, full of symbolism. This bridge, in many ways, seemed to be the epitomy of my life with my family & friends here in Chalmers. In that moment, looking at the bridge, I bid farewell to my childhood stored it away as just that, something of my childhood to be looked fondly on, but not to be lived through again.

As I pulled away, I found some irony in my actions, for in leaving that area, I was physically doing what the time has come for me to do in otherareas: look forward to the road ahead filled with twist & turns, but ultimately ending in the desired location.

Home.

Sensory Thresholds

2006-04-17T10:46:00.000-04:00

The polls are in!

My answers to the test were as follows:

1.) A. I would prefer a job in one location
2.) B. I can't wait to get indoors on a cold day.
3.) B. I like the comfortable familiarity of everyday friends.
4.) A. I would prefer living in an ideal society which everyone is safe, secure & happy. (like the 50's!))
5.) A. I sometimes like to do things that are a little frightening.
6.) A. I am terrified of hypnosis (slightly altered in order to be completely honest!)
7.) A.The most important goal of life is to live it to the fullest & experience as much as possible.
8.) I don't know.
9.) B. I like to dive or jump right in to the ocean or a cold pool.
10.) A. When I go on vacation, I prefer the comfort of a good room & bed.
11.) A. I prefer people who are emotionally expressive, even if they are a bit unstable.
12.) A. A good painting should shock or jolt the senses.
13.) B. I would like to ride or drive a motorcycle.

Score: 6.5 I'm right smack dab in the middle. On one hand, it could be said that I like risks, but have enough sense to think things thorugh before jumping in. On the other hand, it could be said that I have a high potentially high threshold that is inhibited by fear. Take that as you will...

Here are the scores for the sensation threshold test!

Phantom:7.5 Hate to tell you this, kid but you an average sensory threshold--which actualyl is a good thing. It means that you are have fun, but you are smart about doing it & that you don't just rush in to something for the sake of the head rush.

Eric: 5 Your score is right on the line between low sensory threshold & average. The way I figure it, you like things that are safe & stable, but aren't afraid to take risks when it comes down to it.

My Favorite English Major: 8 No suprises here, you are on the higher end of average sensory threshold. You have a higher tolerance for risk & taking chances, but you also have some semblance of reservations from a comfort zone.

Amanda: 4 Low sensory threshold for you. You like safe predictablilty & steadiness in your life & the less chance taken, the better.

Nate: I love your answer the best! It's true, many of these generalizations are situational, depending on one's mood or the environment that one finds themselves in. There are no real right answers to this test, but if there was to be, it would probably be yours!

Peace Without A Parachute

2006-04-10T13:58:00.000-04:00

I'm curious about the outcome of this. This is a test that was given to us in my psychology test today. It is supposed to determine your personal level of sensation needs. If you would, copy & paste this test to the comments & indicate which one of the two choices you would prefer. Next Monday, I'll "grade" your test results & post your level of tolerance based on your response. I'll also post my own levels & how I answered the test.

1.)
A. I would like a job that requires a lot of traveling.
B. I would prefer a job in one location.

2.)
A. I am invigorated by a brisk, cold day.
B. I can't wait to get indoors on a cold day.

3.)
A. I get bored seeing the same old faces.
B. I like the comfortable familiarity of everyday friends.

4.)
A. I would prefer living in an ideal society in which everyone is safe, secure, & happy.
B. I would have preferred living tin the unsettled days of our history.

5.
A. I sometimes like to do things that are a little frightening.
B. A sensible person avoids activities that are dangerous.

6.)
A. I would not like to be hypnotized.
B. Hypnosis sounds like fun!

7.)
A. The most important goal of life is to livei t to the fullest & experience as much as possible.
B. The most imprtant goal of life is to find peace & happiness.

8.)
A. I would like to try parachute-jumpong.
B. I would never want to try jumping out of a plane: with or without a parachute.

9.)
A. I enter cold water gradually, giving myself time to get used to it.
B. I like to dive or jump right in to the ocean or a cold pool.

10.)
A. When I go on vacation, I prefer the comfort of a good room & bed.
B. When I go on vacation, I prefer the challenge of camping out.

11.)
A. I prefer people who are emotionally expressive even if they are a bit unstable.
B. I prefer people who are calm & even-tempered.

12.)
A. A good painting should shock or jolt the senses.
B. A good painting sohudl give one a feeling of peace & security.

13.)
A. People who ride motorcycles must have some sort of kind of unconscious need to hurt themselves.
B. I would like to ride or drive a motorcycle

For My Hurting Friend...

2006-04-10T11:42:00.000-04:00

Because of You

by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery.

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard.

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because Of You

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because Of You

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because Of You

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because Of You

I am afraid.

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes.

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh, everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because Of You
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because Of You
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because Of You
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because Of You
I am afraid.

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same dang thing

Because Of You
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because Of You
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because Of You

I try my hardest just forget everything

Because Of You

I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because Of You

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because Of You
I am afraid.

Because Of You

Johari & Nohari Reflections

2006-04-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

I must say that the results of the Nohari & the Johari test were highly interesting. Here are my thoughts on the matter"

In regards to the Johari:
It fascinates me that the qualities that people listed were reflections of my relationship with them.
-Bobnivik listed me as idealistic, which is true, I guess, especially from Nick's perspective. It has often been a joke between us that I am the resident optemist among The Group.
- Ash said I was silly, which makes sense because of the fact that usually when I'm with Sherman & Co., I'm purposely a bit out there in order to maintain a certain mood in the group (at least, that's the best that I can describe it!)
- Shmanda & Amanda both claim I'm mature, (though I know better :-D). The thing with them both considering me as such are taken from very contrasting perspectives: Amanda from a college graduate's perspective, to which conversing with her occasionally forces me to rise to the occasion of maturity that I don't need to employ in the case of, say Sherman & Co (which I usually act as immature as I could possibly could & still be taken seriously!). To Shmanda, I suppose I am mature in contrast, not because she is immature by any means, but rather because I have had more experiences than she at this point.

In regards to the Nohari:
Boy, this was something else. I had no idea that some people view me as such...though I don't have a problem with people telling me such things either...it doesn't bother me at all.
-Kudos to the Phantom, who did the thing twice, though BAHAHA was him picking all the weaknesses I don't have, just to be ornery. *sigh* Stupid freshmen ;-P
- I have to say though that my favorite English Major was, in my opinion, the most accurate, though, from her perspective of me..which, in a wierd sort of way made my heart happy, because I know that she was very right in her assessment, based on everything I have let her see of me. I'm wierd, I know.

The thing about all of this made me start thinking about how I present myself to others. In my opinion, how I think of myself, versus how people see me (both good & bad), contrast quite a bit. My question, then, is whether those differences are due to the fact that I present myself in different mannerisms with each person, or whether their perspective is merely different, based on the nature of my relationship with me. Should the former be the case, am I actually being real with people, or merely giving people the face that they want to see, depending on the person.

What do you think? Am I real with people...specifically you, or do you feel that I am artificial in my approach with people? I would love to get your feedback.

That's all for now, I'll update with what's actually going on in my life....eventually.

Psychology Class Quote

2006-04-03T13:54:00.000-04:00

"Today we are going to talk about kosher pickles & biological sensations."
- Jane

I love this class!

This Should Be Interesting

2006-03-31T10:50:00.000-05:00

I saw this on Ash's site & thought I'd try this out. Enjoy!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=IvoryRose629

& this from my favorite English Major's site....might as well even things out.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=IvoryRose629

Go Figure!

2006-03-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

What a stupid, gutsy little thing I am!

I just walked in to my Psychology teacher's office & told him that the I didn't deserve the grade that he gave me on a project that is half my grade! In all reality, I didn't deserve it, because I wasn't nearly as thorough as I should have been, particularly towards the end of the journal. Honestly, I shlepped through the last section, completing it 10 minutes before class. In contrast, Chaka, the girl that sits next to me (the single mom of 4!) said she worked on her project all weekend on just the last 2 sections & she got a Redo. I definitly felt guilty.

Arg....the stupidity accompanying being a nice person.

The Needs of Melanie...& other mysteries

2006-03-29T11:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Ruthie & Joel for starting this stupidity....though I must admit, it's rather fascinating.

Type your name with "needs" next to it into google...just see what happens.

Here's what I found:

Melanie needs a vacation real bad. (true...but every time I get one, I end up working anyways, so what the point?)

Melanie needs to be more tolerant, especially of of emotions. (if I got any more tolerant, I would be ignoring them entirely!)

Melanie needs an arena for excellence. (yeah...that would help!)

Melanie needs to practice the piano for a half hour tonight. (eerie!)

Melanie needs to consider all aspect before buying a car. (I have a car...though it is a piece of crap!)

Melanie needs a referral or bus pass for childcare. (erm...why?)

Melanie needs to become somewhat flexible & leave some of the pig headedness behind (ouch!)

Melanie needs more storage space. (that's why I'm moving in to a smaller apartment, right?)

Melanie needs a hospital. (mental hospital maybe......)

Melanie needs to go make a movie (huh?)

Melanie needs to take care before she gets hitched. (:-D)

Melanie needs a space to live where she can be more comfortable. (you can say that again!)

Melanie needs this gig to keep an eye on Antonio who is playing The Nine across the street. (honestly, you could have just stopped at the "Melanie need a gig"part)

Melanie needs to add in some servings of vegetables, fruit and milk products. (sounds good to me!)

Melanie needs to find her dad. (on the contrary, Melanie's dad needs to find her!)

Melanie needs me is to be there for her, so when she has problems she can turn to me. (accurate, though define "me")

Melanie needs to have surgery on her hip in order to reduce pain and increase her mobility. (I'm told by a decent authority that my hips are just fine thankyouverymuch...)

Melanie needs to boost her career. (granted, being a student sucks, but there are worst things!)

Melanie needs answers fast. (Correction: Melanie LIKES fast answers)

Melanie needs to find another horse to race. (you know what they say "save a horse.......:-D)

Yay 4 Us!

2006-03-19T03:11:00.000-05:00

guess what?

I've been dating Eric for a year!

In celebration, we actualy went on a big date...like a real date. We went to see Ben Folds in concerts in Indy. Actually truth be told, Eric saw Ben Folds in concert, I just heard him, as my vertical challengedness inhibited me from seeing him over the jocks that stood directly in front of me. Alas, no real harm done, I got my music high as it was....the bass notes really do you in! it was a good time all around. A trip to Steak n' Shake for old times sake after the concert made the night especially meaningful as well as exciting. The night was not without it's frustrations though, with the occasional vulgar language coming from the very drunk people next to us, & Eric being a chick magnet on many different levels (not that I blame them, but still....), but it was an amazing night all around.

Today, after sleeping in, we wound up "pouncing around" for awhile, before heading to a pretty little seafood resteraunt with the best pasta I have had in a loooong time. I have to say though, that I've had my Jimmy Buffet fill for the next...year. An evening spent with my girls (not to mention Matt & Nick) completeled a thoroughly wonderful weekend.

As for right now, it's 3 in the morning & I need sleep.

After all, sleep is good.

Quality Vs. QUALITY

2006-03-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

The more I become immersed in the counter-culture of pop music...the more I have come to realize a very sad fact: quality=corruption.

Are you impressed?

I didn't think so.

I'll explain.....

It has come to my attention that the mos talented minds in the popular music culture are the ones that, in their innovative manners, bring to our attention the most horrific moral concepts known to modern society at this point. Perhaps to say that they are horrific is a bit of an extreme. Rather, the most selfish, or shallow concepts would be slightly more accurate.

As a music major, I tend to focus on several different factors when assessing whether a piece of music is quality or not....not solely on the lyrics itself. To some extent, it is my downfall, as, in my quest for quality "modern" music, I have come across some outright aweful material. Here, in my opinion, are some of the most brillian musical minds in modern pop culture today.......

-Marshal Mathers (AKA Emenem): Undoubtedly one of the most brilliant rappers of his time. Not only his he "cursed" with being white in a black man's field, but he's got mad rhythm skills(When I'm Gone), astounding singing voice (Shake That) & uses everyday sounds to add drama to his songs in ways that most people wouldn't think of like doors, record players, & breaking glass. Yet at the same time, his lyrics send display deep anger & hatred towards life in general...but particularly God, that sends a deeply grained dark essence to any of his music that leaves you with a very sick feeling in your stomach as a result.

-Black-Eyed Peas: I can't say enough good things about creativity of this group. THe sole purpose for one of the members of the group is to create rhythems by himself, this includes breathing, clacking his tongue, & slapping his cheeks with his mouth open (it sounds silly but try it, it sounds cool). Additionally, "Fergie" (though i'm not sure what her real name is) has a beautiful voice & an astounding wail when she gets her soul-voice going. Will.I.Am, however, has been the one who has most astounded me with his clever lyrics & turns of phrases. THe whole sound of this group is teeming with energy....though that's not the only thing that it's teeming with. There is is mass amounts of unchecked lust that overshadows all of the fascinating musical elements already listed. Women teasing men....tempting them with what they can't have (My Humps), men seducing women (Like That)...the blatancy of sin leaves you feeling defiled just by listening to the lyrics themselves.

- Christina Aguilara: She is one of my favorite examples of talent-gone-wrong. One thing that I have always admired about Christina is her voice. She has the kind of voice that has so much depth that you could drown in it. It is absolutely phenomenal (Beautiful, Reflections)...I could very easily die listening to just the vibrancy in her voice & be very very happy in going. HOWEVER she has transformed herself from the image of being a very sincere 15 year old to the sex-icon she now has transformed herself into (Dirrty). The only real emotion that I ever get from hearing Christina now is deep-rooted sadness as I ache for the innocence she seemed to have lost (or at least given up) over the course of her career.

In all of these cases, I have listed music geniuses of their times...people who have received incredible gifts from The Maestro Himself & are using these gifts of creativity & sheer talent both vocally & rhythmically to share their messages with the world.....& the world is listening avidly. However, their messages reek of a heart that is hard, or distracted by things that are distructive towards both themselves & others & them spreading some of the messages that they do is spreading...even promoting this disease of wrong choices that so easily overtakes us as humans as it is.

Exactly!

2006-03-08T08:55:00.000-05:00

Stand Beside Me

By Jo DeeMessina

I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart

Stand beside me

Be true, don't tell lies to me

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man that who stands beside me

It Is Well....

2006-02-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

For those who were concerned about me with my most recent post, don't be. In all actuality, it's by God's grace that I'm able to publish that particular piece as is.

Makes sense?

Maybe not.

Allow me to explain...

As many of you know, last semeseter has been a rough one. One filled with disillusionment (followed by reality quickly setting in), frustration, & an innate feeling of being abandoned by God. I could see my best friend struggling, realizing the distinct separation of myself from those I care about at Grace, being "stranded" all alone at Ivy Tech, knowing virtually no one, having to defend my faith to someone besides my dad continually.

Yeah, it was rough.

As a result, I started feeling utterly abandoned by God--as if I had been a flower, planted in a garden, only to be uprooted & placed in the hot sun. The lack of good things that I desired were so innate that there were definite moments where I questioned my alleigance to a God that would do such things to me.

One of the biggest things that have been tossing around in my head was the concept of my dad. The one perk I had hoped for in returning home from college was the hope that my dad & I would have a last chance to connect--to take a chance in developing a relationship now that I'm an adult, & have moved on from many of the wounds of the past. However, as more time past, it beccame very obvious that this was not something that was going to happen, as, regardless of how badly I wanted for us to do so, all relationships take the effort of both parties...which is something that is lacking on his side.

In all honestly, that hurt alot initially. However, the more I have given it some thought, the more I have come to terms with the fact that my dad & I will never be able to have the kind of relationship that I desire. I will never be a "daddy's girl" nor will I ever have the approval I want from him. It's just the way it is.

I will say, however, that in coming to terms with everything, I have dealt with many of the past hurts inflicted by my dad (which has been a process that has been long in coming) over the years, as well as repenting for my own contribution to it all. It occured to me, that the only thing I can really do, is trust The Healer with my wounds, for only He an give me what it is that I truly need.

Throughout all of this process, I have had to come to terms with what God really is in my mind. A recent exciting tradition has been my trip to the Voss's on Thursday nights, where I spend time practicing my piano, helping Caleb rehearse & as a side note, talking with Brian, from whom I have learned so much. Perhaps it isn't even that he has taught me as much specifically as much as in talking to him, I have started sorting various concepts that I have of both God & life.

I have found that my perspective of God, in many ways, has stemmed almost directly from how I view my dad. Afterall, why not associate one's Heavenly Father with that of your earthly father, right? My perspective of God then, has been one of two extremes: either as a unfeeling dictator, who strictly conveys how I live my life or the ohter extreme of a God that loves me so very much that He wouldn't do anything that would cause me grief, but rather to maintain my state of happiness in order to show me that He loves me.

I told you it was extreme.

Both concepts are highly faulty, however, as God does love me so very much--moreso than I can evert fathom. HOWEVER, because He loves me so much, He chooses to put my through less-than-wonderful circumstances in order to make me a better person--which will ultimately be a much better thing than my perpetual happiness. Granted, this doesn't make those hard times any less hard, but somehow, I've got to get to the point where I can praise Him when I'm going through those hard times, rather than allowing them to blind me from where my Father has put me.

In coming to grips with this particular concept, I have been chewing on the lyrics from this well- known hymn. I don't know that I'm at this point, however, I have been chewing on the lyrics a great deal lately.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever the cost, thou has taught me to say

It is well, It Is Well With My Soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control;

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

& hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but in whole-

Is nailed to the cross, & I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul!

Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, & the Lord shall descend

Even so, It Is Well With My Soul.

It Is Well With My Soul.

It is well, It Is Well With My Soul.

So in reality, my last entry was, in a way, the Melanie version of the above song....being open about the wounds of the past in an effort to finally give them up completely. Don't hurt for me that things like that have followed me, but in a real sense, I hope that you'll rejoice with me that I've made it this far.....

& pray that I'll keep on going.

Behind These Hazel Eyes

2006-02-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

Between tirades, you note a little sniff emerging from my otherwise expressionless face. I had succeeded in immobilizing the rest of me, yet I loath my eyes, which refuses to be bridled, but instead, flaunts my wounded heart.

"Look at you!" you sneer, "as if that would do you any good"

I duck my head, trying to cover my tears with my hair. I long for a small place to curl up in. To find a place where I would feel safe from the madness about me.

"You are weak! Every second, you prove that that's all you are or ever will be: WEAK!" At the last word, you pound your palm emphatically on the table before me, causing me to recoil.

I remain silent, despising the predicament that I find myself in. For a moment, I withdraw into my imagination, to a place where I'm strong. In this magical place in my head, I need no tears, for I tell you what I think, responding with poise & dignity to each of your attacks. In my mind, I stand before you, my head held high,defending myself, unwilling to succumb to the accusations you hurl at me, for I know that I am better than that which you say I am.

The only problem is, I'm not entirely sure that you are wrong.

You alone are supposed to know me better than all else--to love me madly for the girl I am now & the woman I will one day become. Yet you stand before me, tearing at my self-esteem, reminding me of who I have been & telling me that I can be nothing more than what the past holds. are you truly wrong, or is it I who have been lying to me? Am I really nothing more than a failure, a disgrace to those who care about me the most?

Who am I really?

For if I am all that you say I am, then what is the point of living? I cannot possibly overcome all the things that I have been, so there is no point on moving forward in my life. I am I dissapointment ot my loved ones & it is selfish of me to continue wasting the oxygen that could be used for a better person.

Yet I wonder: What if you are wrong?

Could it be that all that I have been & the mistakes that I have made are merely stairs, leading to the person that I will be one day? Can I honestly say that you are the end-all authority in your diagnosis of my life? Have I come from nowhere to being nothing? Is it remotely possibly that a ray of hope could break throught the darkness of my past to reveal a person who is not bound by that which follows her, but rather looks forward, accomplishing much in her life & influencing others for the better?

I don't understand.

Why do you say these wicked, hateful things to me? I have put my trust in you, time & time again, that you would trat my heart with tenderness, protecting it from all that wound me. Yet you create the greatest wounds each time. I am a fragile person, one who longs to be loved & protected by the one person who I have been designed to fall in love with.

Why are you this way?

As yet another verbal barb is hurled at me, I find myself longing to hate you, to lash out at you, to allow you to experience a mere fraction of the pain that eats away at my very being. Hating you would hurt less, sparing my the agony of loving you & being hurt as a result.

However, somehow, I can't find the strength to hate you. In my heart, I long for a time in which we cannot only peaceably coexist, but additionally to have the sort of relationship in whcih we could enjoy each other's company, looking forward to experiencing life together. Yet, with each word, you hammer out my dreams of a better tomorrow, grinding it into oblivion.

How ironic that you scoff at my tears, & yet my tears are not because you are hurting me, but because of the dawning reality that we will never be close. I shall never know what it is like to find solace in your arms, or to express that which is on my heart, & to know that I am safe in your protection. At the same time, I mourn for the fact that we will never truly know one another. You will never see more than what you see now, for your vision seems to be blocked by my past failures. I will never knowyou any differently than the angry person I see pacing in front of me, bombarding me with angry words. I will never who you really are.

I don't cry for me. I cry for you.

Interesting...

2006-02-22T14:33:00.000-05:00

I had to take this test for Sociology last semester & meant to post it earlier. In cleaning out some floppy disks, I found this....how accurate do you think it is?

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion		60%
Stability		66%
Orderliness		43%
Accommodation		56%
Interdependence		56%
Intellectual		36%
Mystical		30%
Artistic		70%
Religious		90%
Hedonism		10%
Materialism		10%
Narcissism		43%
Adventurousness		36%
Work ethic		63%
Self absorbed		36%
Conflict seeking		36%
Need to dominate		30%

Romantic		56%
Avoidant		23%
Anti-authority		36%
Wealth		10%
Dependency		50%
Change averse		63%
Cautiousness		50%
Individuality		70%
Sexuality		70%
Peter pan complex		43%
Physical security		83%
Physical Fitness		17%
Histrionic		30%
Paranoia		30%
Vanity		36%
Hypersensitivity		50%
Female cliche		76%

Stability: results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness: results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion: results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Personality Traits:

- Outgoing

- Social

- Worry Free

- Optimistic

- Upbeat

- Tough

- Likes Large Parties

- makes friends easily

- rarely irritated

- open

- enjoys leadership

- trusting

- dominant

- thrill seeker

- strong

- does not like to be alone

- assertive

- mind over heart

- confident

- controlling

- feels desirable

- likes the spotlight

- loves food

- social chameleon

- hard working

- concerned about others

The Time Has Come...

2006-02-20T14:28:00.000-05:00

Wow! That's about all I can say in regards to this weekend. On one hand it was all a flurry of events & things that have happened, yet at the same time it was one of the most wonderful I have had in a long time. Allow me to explain:

First off, I was being responsible & got all my homework done on Friday afternoon...am I amazing or what? This was amazing because that meant that this weekend I could really focus on the people, not having to think that I should be doing thus&such. What a relief!

Friday night was a lot of fun. Bekah & I headed over to Caleb's for his birthday party, which was great fun. Granted, I ended up spending most of the time spent at his house with my eyes shut (I hate gory battle scenes in movies....I mean, splurting blood, & decapitations just aren't my thing!)which, as you an imagine, subjected me to all kinds of ribbing as I was surrounded by guys (yay for Rayanne, Rheni, & Bekah!)...I just don't care all that much to be honest...after all, I'm the one that has to sleep with me! :-D

After the party, we treked over to Home Plate. I love that place! It's really nice to get to interact with the kids & get to see them in a setting in which they are comfortable....a "reaching them where they are" sort of thing. I mean, to some extent, high schoolers, in their natural setting rather annoy me, however, Home Plate never ceases to remind me that they are the generation which follows my own....they need Christ so very much (especially in trying times such as teenagerhood!). To add to the fun, Eric showed up! Origonally he was supposed to arrive earlier, however, an unexpected gig (which ended up not-so-hot) changed that plan immensely. Regardlessly, he made it--though not exactly worse for wear with the entire thing! It was great to have him in the area again (the first time since Thanksgiving!).

After everything was said & done, a whole bunch of us crashed back at Caleb's for yet another movie. At least, the idea was to watch a movie, though I ended up asleep for part of the time (I still haven't seen all of either of the Bourne movies now (what the heck?). I know, I know...I should probably do that! Never fear though, Debbie kicked me out soon enough so that I could get some genuine sleep in my own bed (contrasting Caleb & company!) :-D

Saturday, I managed to sleep in, though waking up was certainly worth it. The first part of my morning (think 11ish) was spent with cups of tea & oreos with my sisters, working on arranging the flowers that Eric had brough me. I loev time spent with my sisters. Ginny, who can make a killer pot of tea & I enjoy our tea, while Bekah munches on oreos & Lydia & Angie pretend to drink the tea while sneaking oreos. It great!! Female bonding time really didn't seem to happen a whole lot until after I went to Grace last year. Perhaps Alpha made me appreciate the concept of relationships with those of the same gender, but I definitly place them in exceedingly high value now. It was really nice to just get to sit down & do something girlie (yes Bekah....girlie!). Yay for girls!

Following my time with mi hermanas I met Eric & we ventured to Fred & Minnie's for some visitation. Oddly enough, when everything was said & done, we almost ended up pairing up. Fred & I, & Eric & Minnie...funny huh? Anywho, Fred & Minnie have been married for 69 years & they are absolutely wonderful. Granted, they can talk like nothing else, & they tell the stories they do over & over again...but honestly, I value my time with them more than I do with most people. They are so very dear to me....& they love Eric. Visiting them, though seemed long & tedious at times, was undoubtedly well worth the time spent.

I spent the remainder of the day was spent with Eric, just having us time. Which was really nice. Considering the abundace of mileage, & the lack of time each of us have, it was nice to just get to get ot be a dating couple, who are physically there, as opposed to just a voice on the phone 3 times a week. I definitly enjoyed my time wiith him. Note: Do not, under any circumstances, see Date Movie....it's a vile, disgusting, badly done movie, not worth the time nor money that one invests in it. Choose life, people! Life, I say!

Sunday was fantastic however, probably my favorite time of the weekend. Eric & I were planning on attending Caleb's church--though my car had other plans. In fact, it decided to not start when I was ready for it to, thus, God bless Eric, he drove picked me up & we ended up at Caleb's for a wonderful church service. There were definitly things that caught my attention, in one way or another--so I'm thinking I'm going to head back again sometime for further investigation. Should be interesting considering my quest for a new church....it makes me wonder if this is what I've been praying for.

After the service, carry-in dinner (do we have amazing timing or what?) & some fun, it was off to Caleb's to gather Eric's stuff & then I hopped off to work for awhile. Eric spent some time with my family (without me no less...impressive, eh?) & survived quite nicely, then came to visit me at work (I think he just like the idea of my waiting on him *rolls eyes*) which was nice. A late night run to Barnes & Nobles (yeah Starbucks) & some quality time that followed was wonderful & informative simultaneously. I have to say that if there is one thing that I learned this weekend men are wierd creatures in general...the way you guys work & all. It makes me glad I'm a girl! You guys say that we are the complex gender, but after Sunday...I'm not so sure!

So that was my weekend. I don't suppose you guys needed a play by play...but it's definitly the kind of weekend I will never forget.

It was just that good.

Yay 4 Blogger Issues

2006-02-15T14:49:00.000-05:00

My latest post has been an up & coming thing (I've been working on it for awhile)...but Blogger is being difficult...so check it out: it's under "Getting There" in my archives =>

Twas A Day Like Any Other When...

2006-02-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Huzzah for feeling better!

As quickly as everything began, it ended Friday night, which was a relief for many people....especially me :-D A new look is under way, as my beloved Laura Freer couldn't read my entries as they were (something with her eyes). Considering the fact that she is one of the main people who read this thing in order to keep up with my life, I think that I should be accommodating to her....tough cookies to you who don't like it :-D.

For those of you who have asked, I'm going to try & head up to Grace either the last weekend in February or the first weekend in March (that's still being decided as of yet.). Stay tuned for more information of that nature.

Happy Valentines Day to y'all. Personally, I'm not a fan of the holiday *coughcoughMARKETINGSTRATEGYcoughcough* but I'm happy for those who will get to enjoy a nice evening out with your honey. For my part, I'm spending Valentine's Day working & doing homework....& possibly calling Eric--actually nothing different than any other day.

And that's the way I like it.

Love you guys!

2006-02-10T10:23:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, I suppose that I should update again...make sure you guys know that I haven't died yet.
Emphasis on the yet.
Not really, I'm actually doing much better. No longer does my head rage with fever...(though it still rants with headaches) & I managed to eat yesterday for the first time in 3 days. More than anything, I'm weak. You wouldn't think I would be, considering the fact that I've slept vitually nonstop for 2 days, pausing only to get drinks, pop a pill, or talk to Eric (yay for warped priorities!) To be honest, I can't figure out how long I've been unconscious, but I have been...quite effectively! Though, one interesting thing about being semi-conscious, is that you have time to think....alot. In addition, a person has a completely different perspective about her life when she is either irrationally feverish, or just feeling flat out blah. Here are my somewhat surprising conclusions (or remaining questions) as a result of all this thinking.

- I Have No Direction: This isn't to say that my navigational skills suck (well, they kinda do, but that's beside the point), I just somehow find myself at a place in which I really have little to no motivation to do what I need to do. Lately, all I've done is go through the motions in various stages of apathy, just trying to "get to the next thing". Even in my wierd state of being right now, I know that that can't possibly be pleasing to God. This however, is something that I do care about, however, I don't have the foggiest idea as to how to change it. Is there some magicam motivator that just vamps one into action. I see people like Eric, Anne Elisabeth, & Laura Freer loving what they do in school: seemingly unable to suck in enough of the knowledge that's being thrown at them--why not me? I love middle school kids. I love music. Why is this so hard for me to maintain motivation to just apply myself for the remainder of the time & just do it?

- I Can't Get No Satisfaction: To be honest, I'm not sure what the Rolling Stones were talking about in that song..but regardless of their intended topic (if there was one) I'm not making that point. However, due to my lack of drivenness, I find that I am not satisfied with my life. Granted, I have a lot of great things happening right now. I have an place to live, (almost) free of rent; a steady job that I enjoy; a chance to student teach early on in my career, maintaining that contact with the kids; an amazing boyfriend who loves me; an impending bright future year. Why am I not content? Is there something that I'm missing? Am I, in my humanness, destined foreternal discontent solely because of my sinful nature, or am I really missing something big that is looming in the distance, waiting for me to grasp?

- I Miss Nick: Granted, this realization was a random one, but I really do miss him. In many regards, I currently feel alot like he did his sophomore year, & I long, somehow to throw all these things at him, just to get a response. Sure, there are many things in which we don't see eye to eye (he has to squat to be eye level with me anyways :-D), but by the same token, we are able to balance each other out nicely by our differentiating stances on matters. In reading his blog recently, I have forgotton how the way he could turn a phrase could make me smile, & how much fun it is to have good discussions around the Alpha tables with Matt & Ashley. *sigh* I definitly miss those days.

2006-02-08T11:14:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that it truly is only Wednesday, I find myself longing for the conclusion of this very long week. Why, you ask? It is because, my friend I am sick.
Now, I know what you are thinking....well, so is everyone else, the common cold, nothing more.
WRONG!
The state at which I found myself in on Sunday afternoon was anything but common. I'll spare you of the details, but let's just say that I haven't been this ill since I was 8.
Enough said.
Though I will say, that in my fever-indused state of being, many humorous things have happend as a result. So therefor, for your entertainment pleasure, I submit to you today some of the humorous things that the swiss-cheese-esque mind can conjure under certain conditions:

1.) Sunday afternoon: Having read "The Secret Life of Bees" prior to my nap, I "awoke" to a distinct buzzing. Being positive that somehow the hive of bees that I had been reading about had somehow leaked into the couch I was laying on, I froze, afraid that if I moved, even an inch, that these bees would sing me, devouring my flesh. After roughly 10 minutes of immobility, I began to realize that that buzzing sound, in fact was the roaring in my ears induced by the massive pulse headache that I had attained during my sleep.

2.) Sunday night: Was overcome with irrational fear at having dropped one of my blankets along the way in my quest from my generally cooler temperatured attic to the vent residing in the upstairs bathroom. My fear, was not that I had lost the blanket itself, but I managed to convince myself that, despite the fact that I was unsure of precicely where I had lost it, I was certain that it had landed in front of my space heater, therefor risking the peril of a fire (in which my dad...who is pyrophobic) would kill me if the fire (or my fever) didn't first. I drifted off into a drug induced sleep with the mental image of my dad approaching me in a hospital bed with an axe (oddly enough, much like the scene of Rose vs. Mike Meyers in "So I Married An Axe Murderer".

3.) Monday morning: Managed to convince myself to leave bed in order to attend my 8am class, only to realize upon arrival that it was, in fact, the biggest misjudgement I have made in a loooong time. I promptly left the class at it's conclusion, & drove home to sleep all day.

4.) Monday evening: After a grueling evening at work (I couldn't find anyone to take my shift), I collapsed in my bed, only to be plagued by some of the wierdest dreams I have ever had. These dreams weren't wierd because of their "plot" because somehow, in my mind, the "plots" made a lot on nosensical sense--based on my perceptions of recent events in my life. Instead of people however, the figures in my dreams were blogs of garish colors, including neon green, magenta, & a scary marroon & electric blue plaid. To me, it seemed to be something out of "Piglet's Heffalump Movie" (if you haven't seen it you should...it's cute).

5.) Oddly enough, the only non-garish color in my dream was Eric, but he got the most profound response. Prior to this dream, I had just stood up, from my fetal position over the bathroom vent to get a drink of water from the sink when I glanced at myself in the vanity mirror (they don't call it a vanity mirror for nothing..you know) to see a pale, slightly greenish girl with hair twice the size of it's natural volume with rats nests. In the name of mercy I'll spare you the rest of the details of my appearance, suffice it to say that I looked horrible! Shaking my head, I resumed my fetal position above the register, shaking my head & praying that Eric never see me like this. Ironically, my next dream contained him. In my dream, somehow he spontaneously appears in the bathroom I'm curled up in, hands me a pillow (which I was sorely needing at that point, strokes my cheek & said I looked beautiful. Instead of being ultra touched or some romantic scene ensuing--I laugh at him. Hysterically. He got this blurry look on his face that clearly said "uhhh, what do I do now?" before I woke to a strange sound: laughter. As it would turn out, I was, in fact, laughing in my sleep & woke myself up (as well as Lydia). With tears streaming down my cheeks, I (reportedly) giggled some more, rolled over, & promptly fell asleep again.

6.) Tuesday morning: Waking up after a grueling sleep, I looked at the clock, realizing it was 1pm, &, believing I had missed every single class for the day, threw on clothes & "raced" downstairs, attempting to get into my car--why, I will never know, due to the fact that it's a 30 minute drive to Ivy Tech & my last class starts at 1pm--on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. What stopped me was Ginny's voice overriding the fuzziness of my head "Listen to me, it's Tuesday!!" Rather than arguing with her in any way, shape, or form, I shrugged, said "ok" lamely, & shuffled back upstairs to collapse in my bed once more.

7.) Tuesday Evening: Once again, I was forced to work, as I couldn't find anyone to cover my shift. For close to an hour, I walked dumbly from one table to the other, trying to keep busy to distract me from my delusional state of being. My manager, pointed out, on one occasion that I didn't have a nametag on, to which I replied "alriiiight?" to which she threw a nametag on me that said Julie. So for Tuesday night, I became Julie. Yes, in order to "get through the night" I played a mindgame with myself, by pretending I was someone entirely different than that which I really am. In my mind, I was Julie, a tall, slender blond with dazzling white teeth & equally dazzling green eyes. She is quiet, but cheerful, & works efficiently at her task. Throughout the course of the day, I would introduce myself as Julie, adding to the effect of being an entirely different person by ducking into the bathroom, pulling my hair into some chain-type ponytail, & applying make-up in such a way that I would never do in real life. All in all, it was a rather effective ploy, though Julie still was able to spill 4 nonconsecutive drinks & (almost) completely ignore two tables. Still, she did much better than Melanie would have under the same situation :-D

See folks, you guys thought I was odd when I was healthy, I'm just freakish when I'm sick!

Pray For The Dead & The Dead Will Pray For You!

2006-02-03T14:19:00.000-05:00

Signs That I'm Dating Eric...
- Almost 3 times a week I can be found at Barnes & Nobles with a cup of coffee & a book.
- I take a second look every time I see the word 'Greek'
- I have a ROTW (Rant Of The Week).
- In my budget, I have a Starbucks category.
- My morning seems incomplete without a cup of tea.
- I can use the words "chops", "gig", & "jam" correctly in a sentence & not feel stupid.
- I automatically roll my eyes upon seeing one of the two White Castles in Lafayette.
- I glance twice when I see names such as Balushi, Akroid, & Candy
- I shake my head everytime I see the word outback.
- I say "maaaybe" with a certain tone of voice.
- I respond to a perspective that I don't feel like arguing about with "whatever gets you through the night".
- I'm addicted to pepe band.
- I have contact information on my phone for Patrick, Bryan, Nolan, Joey, Jenn, & Michelle....plus maintain contact with 2 Manchester Girls.
- Upon hearing any passage from the Bible, the first thing in my mind is always: context.
- I can correctly relate the history of the mellophone.

Conclusion: I'm doomed.

Music Major Musings

2006-01-27T10:03:00.000-05:00

I have been reunited with a former love. No, Eric has nothing to worry about, for he bears the same love.....ISSMA music contests. Being at Grace last year, I totally missed out on high school music competitions, which, I find, I have really missed. Not so much the competitions themselves (for I never competed as I was homeschooled), but rather, seeing kids push themselves musically to acheive their highest possible mark. That's really cool.
I'm not sure if I put this on here, but my old employer at South Newton M.S./H.S. called me about a month ago, asking if I would be willing to teach a couple of her classes once a week as well as she has to attend physical therapy following a recent car accident. Naturally, I accepted, as I love nothing more than getting to work in a music dept with middle schoolers.
My responsibilities were nothing in comparison to the tasks that I had had my senior year of high school, but enjoyable nonetheless. My job: use her lesson plans to teach 6th Grade Music Appreciation, followed by Secondary Music Theory (which contains 5 high school kids!). By the end of theory class, Mrs. G returns, just in time for Circle the State rehearsal, where once again I am in charge of the altos. Huzzah!!!!!!!! That fact alone has been the source of many wonderful things these past two weeks.
In the two weeks I have been back, my altos have transformed themselves. I was in charge of the middle school altos when I worked at the school my senior year. I had the most amazing group of 24 girls possible, ranging from 6th-8th grade. I knew everyone of them by name, & most of them, I had a really good idea as to what was going on in their lives additionally. We were a strong group of singers, able to hold our own (even in sight reading) under nearly any given situation. By the end of the year, we had an amazing work ethic, & we loved our times together. Very often, I find that an alto's self esteem (at least pertaining to their vocals) is low, as we aren't what everyone pays attention in a choir, for we don't do anything with melodies. I for one, hated being an alto in middle school because I wanted a light, fluty voice rather than the deep, jazzy one that I was given (which, thanks to Mr. Shoemaker, I have since renigged, loving being an alto now!). As a result, I made it a point make our sometimes redundant harmony lines as fun as possible. I absolutelt adored my altos that year, so much so that my last day of work before leaving for college, we all stood around the old upright as we had many times before laughing & just bawled. It was something else.
Now, two years later, it's the same upright, but the kids are vastly different. Of my origonal altos, I only have 2 left still in middle school: Emily & Monica. That isn't to say that the quality has gone down any though, for there are some amazing girls in that section, & I have come to be able to read their eyes & have (mostly) figured out how to speak their individual languages. The wonderful thing about having a small group of girls (15) is that we can really fine tune (pun intended!) & hone our skills, making us a force to be reckoned with. It has been truly amazing to see them develop, even in the 2 weeks that I have been working with them--I can't wait to see how they are by the end of the semester.
One change that I have noticed is a dramatic change in how I teach. My theory in high school was that the reason that I understood middle school kids instead of relating more to high schoolers was because I had walked where there were now not so long ago, & could empathize more with who they are & what they were going through. It was a lovely thought, but it's just not the case at all. I still dont' understand or relate to high schoolers, though it hasn't been so long since I was there. Middle schoolers still make the most sense to me--yet I approach them much differently then I did in high school. There's a certain element of strictness, intensity even, at how I approach the kids. On more than one occasion, I have caught myself giving one student or another ( mainly those boys!) "the look" that I have employed only in the usage towards my siblings. The funny thing about it all is that it works! Also, nothing seems to catch a kid off guard than you knowing his name (from one source or another) but he doesn't know yours...somehow it commands a certain element of respect from the bearer of that name. It's little "controlling" tactics that I have been catching myself utilizing that I never used prior to this time around.
Though I was a "teacher" in high school to the choir section of the music dept., one of the coolest things was that I was a student in the band. Jon Hamilton, the infamous freshman saxaphone player, who had a lack of inhibitions, & an abundance of energy & affection for me, whom I predicted would one day be drum major now is drum major & doing a fabulous job of it. Since the time that I left, the band has gone from 18 to 50 & they have made remarkable progress. I attended a pep band session last night, at the request of Jon, & was astonished at the amount of jamming that occured. When I was there, much of the time we were working on getting the music to a point that we could jam. Not so much now, it was more of them doing their best & pushing forward, but being good enough as a whole to accomplish the end result of jamming. It was cool. I was quite proud of the kids for having developed the discapline that they now have.
All in all, it has been wonderful to get to see what it is that I'm working towards as I continue to pursue my education. Sometimes, in the mess of Gen. Ed. classes, one loses sight of the origonal goal that I'm aspiring towards. As the conditions of my life continue to evolve as they are, it's amazing to be reunited with one of my most basic loves.

On A Lighter Note...

2006-01-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

I found this in a book at Barnes & Nobles last weekend, & thought that you guys would enjoy it. It's a bit startling how many of these are true. Enjoy!

Signs that you might live in Indiana...

- You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through18 inches of ice & sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.

-If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Indiana.

-If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Indiana.

-If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Indiana.

-If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Indiana.

-If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Indiana.

-If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Indiana.

-If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you just might live in Indiana.

You Know That You Are A True Hoosier When...

1. Vacation means going north or south on I 65 for theweekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events including weddings.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, stillwinter, road construction, & It's Hot.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next toyour blue spruce.

13. Down south means Kentucky to you.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new poleshed.

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".

19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Indiana friends.

In The Light

2006-01-17T12:47:00.000-05:00

This song has been one that has convicted me many times, regardless of what I'm struggling with. So easily I get distracted with my surroundings, that I step out of the Light & end up somewhere where I am no longer immersed in Christ, but something else...regardless of what it is.
So much, lately, I have been crediting this chasm that I find between myself & God to going to a secular campus, & the "darkness" that I find myself in at home. Yet, a well-timed conversation with Mr. Voss has led me te reconsider the fact that my relationship with God is my responsibility, regardless of my surroundings. God doesn't change, go anywhere, or leave me, it is I who walk away from Him. In my "bitterness" at my relocation (& the "persecution") that has been a result of it, I have stopped pursuing God & choosing the grayness of apathy to being in the light of God.
The funny thing about being human is that straddling the fence is not a comfortable place to be--one ends up leaning to one side or the other. Unfortunately, I have ended up on the dark side of that fence, & being so completely discontent! Apathy, in my mind, has been the "safe route" in so many places of my past, yet I'm never happy there. What else is there?
So last night, I lay on my bed, reading psychology articles & listening to the radio, when this song came on over the rain. A local secular variety station, I was shocked to hear this song that had many times before been the cosmic kick in the pants out of apathy inspired by other things in my life. Once more, I faced the stark reality of where I am now, versus where it is that I so long to be. I can't say exactly what it is going to take to go from one to the other, but only now do I feel like I have some kind of direction to be focusing my attention towards.

In The Light

By DC Talk

I keep trying to find a life on my own-

Apart from You.

I am the king of excuses,

I've got one for every selfish thing I do.

What's going on inside of me?

I despise my own behaviour.

This only serves to confirm my suspicions,

That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour

I wanna be in the Light

As You are in the Light

I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens

Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation

Cause all I want is to be in the Light

All I want is to be in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood

It's a cancer fatal to my soul

Every attempt on my behalf has failed

To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?

I despise my own behaviour

This only serves to confirm my suspicions

That I'm still a man in need of a Saviour

I wanna be in the Light,
As You are in the Light.
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens.
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation,
Cause all I want is to be in the Light.
All I want is to be in the Light.

Honesty becomes me-

There's nothing left to lose.

The secrets that did run me-

In Your presence are defused.

Pride has no position-

And riches have no worth.

The fame that once did cover me-

Has been sentenced to this Earth.

I wanna be in the Light,

As You are in the Light.

I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens.

Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation,

Cause all I want is to be in the Light.

All I want is to be in the Light.

Getting There

2006-01-17T12:23:00.000-05:00

First off, let me say that once more Sean has laid me flat with his candid observations of God once again. He & Chad both have a way of making me think, whether I like it or not--& generally the subject in question is something that I've been struggling with at the time. Granted, the whole thing tends to make me a trifle uncomfy for a while, but the end result is always more the better. Thanks Sean, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the things with God. It takes a true man to be able to let god flow through him like that.

That said---here's something that I have been chewing on for awhile lately.

Everything About You

By Sanctus Real

Be my light in this darkened room,

I'm on my face & I'm calling You.

I can't fathom all You've done for me,

Everytime I try, I end up on my knees.

Like sunlight in the winter cold-

Everything about You, takes my breath away.

HALLELUJAH!

I've tried this once without You,

It was my greatest mistake,

HALLELUJAH!

Questions fade when You invade,

You chase all of my fears away.

With Your love as my atmosphere,

All confusion disappears.

And nothing but Your Truth remains--

Everything about You, takes my breath away.
HALLELUJAH!
I've tried this once without You,
It was my greatest mistake,
HALLELUJAH!

I can't say that I'm completely at the "hallelujah point" yet, though I think I'm getting there. God has really been getting my attention with the whole concept of dying to myself & instead totally relying on God. I know, we hear those words as a cliche so often. Yet, what does it really mean? Being set apart from the place where I felt so very safe & at home in really made me bitter in many regards. I honestly felt like God had abandoned me when I found out that I wouldn't be returning to Grace this past fall. It was almost as if it had been a cosmic joke of sorts, showing me all these wonderful things that I had come to love, letting me enjoy them fora season, & then snatching them away, to only covet from afar.

In the process of coming to terms with the fact that God did not, in fact abandon me, but rather (for reasons I have yet to discover) put me back here to grow some more, I have shed many a tear (Asley & Laura Freer can attest to that!), said some things that I have never really meant (as Eric can attest), & gotten sidetracked many a time as result. Yet somehow, I have come to believe that there is more to this than I can see, that in fact, in returning to the place that I grew up in, I have been learning how to die to myself, & giving up the things that is, inevitably, the thing that I hold the closest--a place in which I belong.

It's at moments like this in which I somewhat wish that Christianity came with a warning label: a little sign that popped up above a person's head, right as they were witnessing to you, that let you know exactly what it is that a person is getting themselves into. Something like:

warning: May experience persecution, uncomfortable situations , & habitual shame as a result of continual uncovery of flaws in one's life. Only those truly committed & willing to work hard need apply.

Don't get me wrong, though, I wouldn't trade my walk with Christ for anything. It's only that I have come to the conlcusion that life is hard, regardless of whether you have Christ in your life. However, I have also been without Christ enough to know that life without Him isn't worth living, & that I am eternally thankful that I have been called to live this life....it's just not easy by any means whatsoever. God is definitly the deciding factor in my life--the one truly stable element that there is. It has just taken me this long to come to the realization that just because you have God, doesn't mean that what God asks of you is an easy thing to do, it just means that it's worthwhile in the end.

It would be a lie to say that I'm glad I have gone through this past semester & a half...because in all honesty, I'm really not. However, being on the tail end of this, I'm starting to catch glimpses of why I have had to go through it, that I might one day have reached this place of fully relying on God. One day, I'm going to be able to praise Him for setting me here, but not yet. When I am....you'll know.

The Dastardly Dirty Deeds of Doing Dirty Dishes (& other rants)

2006-01-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

The majority wins! Oh good heavens! I just found out (roughly 20 minutes ago) that of the 7 people I grew up with, 5 of them are either engaged or married! What on earth! When did I get old enough that this was possible? For heaven's sake, I'm only a sophomore in college! A mere 19 years of age!

First there was Rachel, my pastor's daughter. She, being 3 years my senior, was always a sort of big sister to me, spending many hours just listening to my adolescent rants & giving my her wisdom gently along the way. Rachel is an amazing woman of God, one that I have held in high regard for many years, so it wasn't a big surprise when one such as Joe took notice of her. It wasn't all that much of a surprise, either, when Joe finally proposed to Rachel during 2004 Christmas Break. They had been dating for 3 years & it was obvious to all of us that they were definitely heading in that direction. Heck, those sleepovers with Kate, Rachel, & I, we could all envision her spending the rest of her life with this man. Joe is, without a doubt a man of God who is completely capable of leading & taking care of her for the rest of her life. Of my theory on couples, he's the straight-laced one, & she is the loopy one: the bottom line of it all is that they just work. Everyone knew it. Now, they have been married for almost a year, & things are going wonderfully. They both claim that married life isn't easy, but a worthwhile endeavor nonetheless.

Next on the list, is Ruth. Ruth is a year older than I am, & has the epitomy of a gentle & quiet spirit. Crafty, smart & funny, Ruth always kept me on my toes & instilled in me the need to laugh & enjoy life, yet to keep things in perspective as they roll around. Ruth got engaged to her best (guy) friend this fall & we all saw them getting together since late high school, though no one would ask. They were friends for years & then all of a sudden they were dating. 4 months later he popped the question & they got married the following August. Again, Ruth & Mark attest to the challenges of marriage, but I've never seen Ruth glow so much as the moment when she told us all that she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago. I'm so excited as their lives take yet another turn at the baby arriving next summer!

Katie was a different story altogether. She & I have known each other since 6th grade, I met her just after we moved out to the home we are in now. We went to college the same year, me to Grace, & she to Taylor, met a guy from out of state & the next this I knew, they eloped & were heading to Africa to become interns for a mission out there. It was all so whirlwind & sudden, that no one knew exactly what to think of it all. I got an email from Katie with an update that all was well. That's all I know though.

Ben, my first crush ever just announced is engagement to a girl he met at BJU. They have been dating for awhile, & it's obvious that he is crazy about her, but it's rather odd to me that my first crush ever is getting married. They will be great together (though I don't see them *clicking* like I would hope) & their drive for evangelism is their strognest link of the two of them. As soon as Ben email me about her last spring, I knew that tis was the girl that he was going to marry, just by the way he talked about her

Annie, though was the big surprise to me. She & I were born exactly 3 days apart (I am the older of the two of us!) & she just called me to let me know that she is getting married! This is my oldest friend ever, the one that was my first best friend & the girl that I figured that we would room together at Purdue...you know all the best friend things that happend when you are young. Annie graduated not too long ago from Ivy Tech, & after kissing many frogs, thinks she's found her prince. I don't know they guy at all (actually I'm going to be meeting him in a couple of weeks), but I don't know what I think of it all.

Perhaps it's not the fact that I was more familiar with the characters of the other significant others that bothers me with Annie's enagement, but that I'm of the age where such things are possible! I mean, I've talked with Ash & my mom about the concept of getting married, but to see my peers taking that step into marital status, is both scary & exciting all at the same time.

I mean, I'm excited that I'm finally at the age where such "dreams" are no longer just a dream, but something that could potentially be a reality should it come to that point. Yet at the same time, the dawning of the magnitude of such thoughts is really scary. Could it be that I would be ready for such a thing? Is a person ever "ready for something as commital as marriage. The questions are staggering.

I'm not going to say that I'm completely opposed to the idea of getting married either. Granted, it's not an option I've considered prior to the past year or so, but it is something that I believe I would like to have happen one of these days. I won't lie , the thought of coming home after a hard night at work & falling in to the arms of a man who loves me is a wonderful thought, not to mention the thought of spending the rest of my life with one man, with all the stability that goes with it. Yes, it all is appealing.

It's not to say that I'm at the point at all that I'm considering in a "here & now" basis, but considering the fact that I have been dating a guy for 10 months, if that isn't an option that I'm considering with him, I need to pull out ASAP! I don't know exactly where I stand on that, but it's something that bears considering as a year dating the same person is closer than not.

I love to hear the perspective of Laura Freer, who just makes sense to me when she say that everyone around her is getting married. Granted, the difference between Laura & I are vast, but the concept is the same:

When did I get old enough for this to be an option?

Schedule: Plan X

2006-01-11T15:33:00.000-05:00

All I can say is that this had better be the last time I have to revise this (see below post)

Monday
8-8:50am: U.S. Government & Economy (basically taken as a filler course to acheive the needd 12 credit hour status--though I have heard a lot of good things said about this class.)
9-9:50am: U.S. History 2 (you know, I really like this class....though 2 classes back to back about America oculd get a bit hairy)
10-11:50am: Spanish 1 (I'm rather excited, I'm catching on quite nicely as it is!)
1-1:50pm: Psychology (Slightly intimidated by taking yet another social science class at Ivy Tech)

Wednesday
8-8:50am: American Government & Economy
9-9:50am: US. History 2
10-11:50am: Spanish 1
1-1:50pm: Psychology

Thursday
10:30am- Noon: Piano Pedagogy 3
12:30-6pm: Student Teaching @ South Newton Middle School (how exciting!)

Friday
8-8:50am: American Government & Economy
9-9:50am: U.S. History 2
1-1:50pm: Psychology

Total Credit Hours: 13

A POX UPON ALL THAT IS BEAUROCRATIC!!!!!

2006-01-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

Step 1: Week before finals, sign up for classes for Spring Semester. Classes include: College Algebra, History 2, Spanish1, Physical Science.
Step 2: Pickup schedule with class information--only to discover College Algebra & Physical Science missing from my schedule. Sent to Academic Advising officer.
Step 3: Academic Advisor informs me that due to Intro to Algebra class falling short .6% of passing grade, I must test out of said class to proceed to take missing two classes. Sent to Assessment Center to schedule appointment for taking Compass test.
Step 4: Assessment Center intern schedules appointment for Friday after school starts. Sent to Registrar's Office for schedule.
Step 5: Registrar's Office need confirmation of testing appointment. Sent to Assessment Center for appointment confirmation card.
Step 6: Obtain appointment confirmation card from Assessment Center.
Step 7: Returned to Registrar's office to find that the test scheduled was for testing out of College Algebra rather than Intro. to Algebra. Sent to Assessment Center to reschedule testing appointment.
Step 8: Assessment Center director informs me that test-outs of Intro. to Algebra have ended for spring semester, but that test-outs for Summer term begin in February. Sent to Registrar's office to find alternative route.
Step 9: Registrar reccommends seeking alternative classes to obtain minimum of 12 credits to remain at full-time student status. Sent to Academic Advisory office to find different classes.
Step 10: While waiting to meet with my advisor, I examine the remaining classes I had to take to transfer to Grace. Classes needed to complete General Ed. requirement: College Algebra, Physical Science or Biology, additional Social Science credit (Sociology 2 or Psychology1), Literature class. Examined Ivy Tech class schedules: College Algebra & Physical Science: out!, Sociology 2 & Psychology: both available & able to fit into my schedule-though only one class is needed....one class is still needed. Literature: not available spring semester. Decide to take Sociology 2 & random filler class: Government & Economy. Fill out necessary paperwork.
Step 11: Meet with advisor. Both classes are available, though Sociology 2 is later than I would prefer. Can work around it. Sent to Registrars office with needed advisor signature to sign up for classes.
Step 12: Registrar's office informs me that in the time it took me to get froom one office to the other, someone had signed up for the last available seat in all sociology classes. Signed up for Government class. Sent Academic Advisory office for alternative number 3!
Step 13: Advisor reccommends psychology class as viable option for getting remaining social science credit needed. On my last leg of patience, I fill out needed paperwork, get signature of approval from advisor. Sent to Registrar's office to sign up for Plan D.
Step 14: Registrar's office signs me up for last remaining class. Sent to Cashier's Office to pay for classes.
Step 15: Cashier asks for Financial Aid Voucher. Sent to Financial Aid office to obtain a copt of Financial Aid voucher.
Step 16: Financial Aid gives me a copy of voucher. Sent to Cashier to prove Financial Aid.
Step 17: Cashier credits my account with classes. Sent to bookstore to buy books.
Step 18: Bookstore requires copy of financial aid voucher to buy books. Sent to Cashier to obtain another copy of voucher.
Step 19: Attempting to save headache, I go to Financial Aid instead to obtain another copy of voucher. Financial Aid advisor informs me that they are only allowed to give out one free copy of financial aid voucher. Obtaining new voucher would cost $5. Sent to Cashier's office.
Step 20: Marilyn in Cashier's office, seeing my frustrated & disheveled conduct, gives me back voucher to show to bookstore, on my word that I'd return it ASAP, accompanied by a hug. Sent to bookstore for completion of this beaurocratic nightmare.

Homeward Bound

2006-01-04T10:48:00.000-05:00

I return to post yet again, at the request of my adoring readers (or at least those who are amused easily)....the question now becomes what I'm to write....

Well, I have survived finals virtually unscathed, ending the much better off than my last fall semester :-\ Surprisingly enough, my best subjects were Public Speaking & Lifetime Fitness....go figure! I begin school again on the 9th, where my schedule will be as posted previously. I'll not pretend that I don't I hate the idea of going back to Ivy Tech, solely because I loath the atmosphere, but I hold tight to the fact that I only have to spend another semester there before heading off to Grace to continue my life there.

In regards to this Christmas break, nothing & everything has simultaneously happened. In essence, I worked all break, having only 5 nights off the entire duration of it: a Monday in the first week, this past weekend for a trip to see Eric, & this Saturday. All in all, though, it really hasn't been a bad break, because I have been able to store away a good deal of money, (despite the traditional Christmas shopping!) & considering the fact that I generally enjoy my job, it never really seems altogether life work!
I don't want to mislead anyone though, in to thinking that all I really did was work this break, for I have had a great deal of fun as well. I had a total of 8 gigs this past month, making my debut with the acclaimed Bad Dog IV, as well as several solo appearances at the Wolcott House & a couple of other random banquets/ get togethers, & finally, a frenzied, frantic, but fabulous rendidtion of "Celebrate the Day" with Shmanda on Christmas Eve to close out my concert season rush.
Christmas day itself was a trifle...odd. It seems wierd, but many of my childhood dillusions of Christmas seemed to absolve themselves in one day. After the whole day was turned topsy-turvy by the dissapearance of Angie's wayward glasses, I began to view the holiday for what it really was: a day, just like any other, rather than a specially designated span of time that was enshrouded in magic. Interestingly enough, it was a late night conversation with Laura Freer that put everything into perspective. Yay for my beloved Laura, from whom all begrudging perspective flows!
In addition to surviving Christmas, I was able to spend some extra time with Eric, which was absolutely wonderful. Considering the fact that the last 3 times I have seen him, I haven't actually been able to spend time with him, we decided that it would be fun to have a weekend in which we were able to just spend time together. What a concept! So, north was my destination last Saturday, to spend New Years Eve, & it's accompanying 3 day weekend with the folks in Eric World. Needless to say that we had a grand time of it all: New Years Eve spent with the Bad Dog IV & their respective ladies: Jen, Michelle, & Sarah, which was nothing if not eventful, but much fun was to be had there! Sunday at a worship service to start 2006 out right (the afternoon/evening relaxing, resting up from all the excitement of the previous day!), & Monday, a trip to Fort Wayne to see The Producers & a fancy dinner date at ye old MacDonalds. Granted, the weekend was a simple one, lacking in frills & (relative) excitement, but that, in & of itself is how I tend to live my life, so I wouldn't have traded any of it for the world. The moments spent just laughing & enjoying ourselves was well worth the time that it took to get there. Thanks to Eric for a wonderful "vacation" from the real world. :-)

Well, that takes care of the past & present, now a glimpse in to my future. Plans are already underway for my reentry into Grace in the fall. The deadling for all my applications & such is March 1, so I am not taking any chances whatsoever (not to mention the various meeting appointments that I have yet to make!) Today, I began preparing my repretoire for my audition into the Music Dept., now under the supervision of the good Dr. Patrick Kavanaugh *grumble grumble*. I'm not entirely sure how many of you know what this means, (or really even care!) but I'll be playing a collection of Hebrew Mosaics as my "soft" piece, & an imposing, 5 note- chord Brahms Ballade as my "big" piece. To some of you, starting this early would seem like a foolhardy thing to do, but honestly, I find that I would rather be overly prepared than not so, for a second audition must be achieved! I find it encouraging, as I begin another semester in the campus from down under, to be able to work on heading back to Grace. Surviving the world until then--well that's another story entirely.

So there you are! My life in a nutshell. This break has definitly been filled with reality checks, relationships....& I got nothing for the other R. Oh well!

I 've never liked the way Baptists preach anyways! Toodles!

The Essence of Coolness

2005-12-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

At the sound of my favorite rendition of Sinatra's "The Way You Look Tonight" blaring from the alarm clock setting of my cell phone, my eyes pop wide open. I groan & shivver from the cold, but with resolution, I fling back the covers, grab the phone to shut it off & head for the shower.
After a nice hot shower, I brush my teeth & slip in to a soft blue sweater & a pair of khakis. I throw my hair into an "artsy bun", put on a pair of sparkly earrings, & begin applying make-up. As I glide on the final touches of lip gloss, I do one final check in the mirror & (ever so humbly) think to myself, dang, I look good!. I grin, grab a pair of dress shoes, & as an afterthought, drape a matching scarf over my shoulders, arranging it into a comfy collar.
With a little lilt in my step, grab my ever-ready backpack & head downstairs, grabbing my coat on the way through the dining room. I'm just about to head out the door, kissing Mom on the cheek as I go, when I stop short.
There, in the emering from the bathroom, is my brother. Ben wears a pair of baggy jeans, black dress shirt, & his hair gelled in the slick way guys do it (where it curls just a little in the little clumps). Yeah, my brother was hott. He honestly looked like someone who had just emerged from a Grease play or something. He grabs his Abercrombie & Fitch bag, mutters later, mom as he kisses her.
Don't you look nice! She says, fixing his collar (while she can still reach it!).
thanks. bye. He articulately mutters, shrugging in to his letter jacket, & heading to start up his red sports car.
I love you. She calls out to his retreating figure.
I sigh, & slip out the door, making two mental notes to myself:
1.) Perspective is indeed everything
2.) When did my brother get so cool?

Does A Happy Dance

2005-12-06T19:19:00.000-05:00

Hurrah for Trevor in the Ivy Tech General Education department who was willing to help me get signed up for classes (rather than having to make a trip in to town specifically to meet with an advisor who doesn't know me at all!)

Due to his help, I'm officially signed up for classes! Yay! Here's what's on the schedule for Spring:
(beginning January 9)

Monday
8-8:50am: Intermediate Algebra ( not my first choice for both time & subject...but it was all I could arrange in my schedule!)
9-9:50am: U.S. History 2 (you guessed it, I'm taking it again this semester....a pox upon essays!)
10am-11:50am: Spanish 1 (yeah...it's a long class--4 credits worth!)
Noon-3pm: Physical Science (this class is gonna suck!)

Wednesday
8-8:50am: Intermediate Algebra
9-9:50am: U.S. History 2
10am-11:50am: Spanish 1
Noon-12:50: Physical Science (Mondays I have a lab time tagged into the normal class period)

Thursday
10:30am- Noon: Piano Pedagogy 3

Friday
8-8:50am: Intermediate Algebra
9-9:50am: U.S. History 2

Total Credit Hours: 13

To be honest, it's not too bad of a schedule at all. Hopefully, I can get Josh to schedule a fairly accomadating work schedule so that I don't have to be in town all that much additionally, but still be able to work enough hours. I'm quite pleased at the moment!

Only one more semester till I get to go back to Grace!! Huzzah!!!

Edit: I have been working really hard lately to try & get my weekly schedule planned out (thankyouLauraFreer!) considering how busy I tend to be, I have discovered that I have to set aside time for different people in my life, or I will lose them in the chaos. Therefor, if I generally attempt to maintain contact with you (Shmanda, Ash, Laura Freer, Eric, or Caleb), I need to know some times that would be a good time to call & talk for a little while (usually about an hour or so) for the spring semester. PLEASE let me know soon so that I can make sure to set aside some time for you!

Random Side Notes

2005-12-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

* There you go, Caleb...font is bigger--you big baby!*

Whew! It has been some week. I would love to go in to detail all the things that are going through me head at this moment, but considering the fact that I'm 15 minutes in between classes, I'm going to attempt to do justice to everything all at once.

- Spent the weekend up North. Good times had by all. My time at Grace was fantastic & held many wonderful memories that I hold dear: An unexpected phenominal conversation with Ruthie, Taco Bell & Wal*Mart runs w/ Laura Freer; Seeing Nick singing Opera in an 80's setting (that was amaaaazing!); Singing (for the first time in ages!) at the top of Mount Memorial (I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed that!), & an extended brunch with more people than even I am accustomed to (the traditional Matt, Ash, Nick & I, were joined by Laura Freer (who defiled my applesauce!), Matt Little, the peruvian (who, unbeknownst to me, filled my jacket pocketses with vegetables!), Carolyn, Jenny, & several other people who I honestly don't know who they were! It was really nice to get to hang with my people & to just talk about virtually nothing. Above all it was nice to stand around Alpha with Matt, Ash, Laura, & Nick & just talk, laugh & enjoy each other's company.
In addition, I spent time with Eric, which was lovely as well. Over the course of the weekend we planned gigs (where the heck are we performing at again?), spent some time with the infamous Jen (which I enjoyed immensely!), decorated Christmas trees, went on random Fruity Pebbles attacks (for once it wasn't me!), got beat at my own game (*mutter mutter!) & spent a fair amount of time just spending time together (who does that?). Over all, it was really a wonderful time, though there were definite moments that were hard to process & difficult to deal with (for multiple parties!)

-- My life is blooming crazy!! I have been working like nobody's business on everything! Currently, I'm in the middle of 3 projects for school, & trying to arrange 4 different pieces. The preperation time for concert season is reaching an end, the performances are approaching (the first gig is on Sunday!). I'm not so worried about getting everything done (because I always manage to pull things off), it's more a matter of handling the criticism when I don't always have everything completely preplanned (guitar chords, alto lines, laundry, ect.).

Alas, there is much more to say, but I haven't the time...class is about to begin! I'm off!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23 Post; 5th Line:

"I mean, I have been stressing about all this stuff, & totally worrying about it all, yet, I hadn't just sat down & talked to God about it."

Rather appropriate, considering finals week approaches.

The Good News Is....I'm Alive!

2005-12-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

Now I know what you're thinking: "Good point, Mel" or "yeah...your point?"

My point is, that was a question whether such would be the case.

You see, today was the first real snowfall in the great town of Lafayette. What's the problem, you ask? Well, let me tell you: Lafayette people are blooming idiots!

Are you intrigued? You should be.

Allow me to explain:

I got up this morning & actually got out the door in order to get to my 8am class. Thus far, it would be easy enough for you (cough cough ERIC cough cough) to believe that I'm lying, but it's true! I was out the door to brave the cold for my class. Upon heading down the road, I realized that I was potentially going to be a trifle late, due to the fact that there was an inch of snow covering the road that had yet to be plowed. So heading slowly out, I began my motorized trek to Lafayette.
I got down the ol' blacktop (or whitetop, at this point!) & despite skidding a bit on the on-ramp, my trip on 65 was no big deal at all (though I myself saw plenty of slide-offs, I myself had no concern. Having seen (& heard stories) of horrific accidents on the interstate, I was particularly cautious & once I had gotten of the interstate, I breathed a sigh of relief that I had encountered the worst of it.
Nick, I was being a misguided optemist again!
At this point I'm on the home-stretch of my journey. I turn on to Creasy Lane, which is (relatively) snow-free, but I'm still being careful, just in case. As pretty as this fluffy white stuff is, I've been around the Emergency Response Teams enough to know that it s potentially deadly. I'm not taking any chances.
Someone else wsa going to take that chance for me.
I'm playing it safe (yes Eric, it happens!), when the lady in the Pontiac in front of my realizes that she just missed her turn, & (naturally) she slams on her brakes, sending her skidding. For my part, I know better than to slam on my breaks (I've almost died on gravel!), so I start pumping my breaks (Chris would be proud!) to try & stop as soon as I can.
My plan would have worked, too, had I not forgotten that, unlike the other 3 vehicles I have driven in my lifetime: my car has anti-lock brakes. As a result, my car starts to skid all over the road.
*sigh*
My only thought: "uh oh"
Rather than hitting the car which is now stopped in the middle of the road waiting for the left lane to clear. I opt to swerve to the left.
Except there was a truck coming.
Not just any pickup truck, though.
It was a dumptruck (ironically) hauling salt for the roads.
Consider my options at this point. Should I a.) brace myself to be t-boned by this massive truck, or b.) dive nose first in to the ditch across the road, possibly still getting hit, but at least there was the remotest chance that I would make it before I got flattened by the very vehicle who was supposed to make the roads a safer place.
Once more, the optemist ruled & I hit the gas & promptly ended up tail up in the ditch, slamming my chin in to the steering wheel as I landed.
My first thought: "crap!"
Next thought: "What do I do now?"
I'm in the process of letting my mom know, when this guy in a red truck (a real pickup not this salt-hauling monster) offers to tow me out, recognizing me from pizza hut (apparently I had given him a drink on the house while he waited for his carry-out pizza order). Barely hanging on to my wits, I thank him & between him & the guy in his cab, I end up back on the road with little to no damage to my car, other than a slight dent at the base of my front bumper, & some scratches from the hook of his truck.
I'm not quite sure what to do at this point, so I offer to pay the two guys, but they wouldn't let me. I was so relieved with the way it all worked out that I gave them each a hug & promised them that they had a free meal coming should they drop by again.
Interestingly enough, if I remember right, I gave this guy a glass of water. It kinda reminds me of the whole "if you do it to the least of these, you do it to me" .
Or at least "What goes around, comes around"

Random side note: This guy that looks EXACTLY like Sean Gilbertson just walked in the door to the computer lab I'm in: slicked down hair, sideburns, hands buried into leather jacket & all. I kid you not, I actually grinned at him & started to say something when I realized the impossibility of it all.....but it was cool anyways!

Heck Yes I'm In College!

2005-11-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

Picture this:
I'm sitting in the computer lab typing,, wearing a dusty blue "Grace College Chamber Singers & Ensemble" blouse, my white tank top peeking through the only partially buttoned shirt (I'm completely modest..I promise!)& the sleeves rolled up. I'm wearing blue jeans, white sneakers, dangly earrings, "artsy" black glasses, & my hair is up in a ponytail, with two mechanical pencils sticking out like chopsticks. Walking to class, I have my backpack slung over one shoulder, my fuzzy black coat draped over my arm, & a pink highliter between my teeth. It's just what I do.
As Ash pointed out, I'm in classic Mel form today.
To be honest, it's nce to be in classic Mel form once more. Somehow, I haven't really felt like I've been the person I was back at Grace, lately. At Grace, it seemed so much easier to maintain an optemistic perspective when I'm able to be more honest in what I was dealing with. In the new (or rather old) environment I'm in now, it's not so easy to do so, as not so many people want to deal directly with the things I wrestle with ('cause frankly, they don't care!), & there are many more feelings to deal with as I contend with these things. Yet, as the end of the semester approaches, I'm feeling encouraged once more. I'm nearing the end, proving (more to myself than anyone else) that I will, somehow survive being transplanted to an environment that I don't belong to.
In addition to this recent realization, the approaching holiday season brings many new & wonderful developments. Once again, I'm getting to enjoy the Christmas traditions of the Ticen household. Only the women have traditions, so I get to enjoy them with the best of them (yet another reason that makes me glad I'm a woman!), now from the adult's perspective rather than the little girl. These traditions, among others, include many hours spent baking with my mom & sisters , my annual project of decorating the house for Christmas, picking out a tree from the Gilmore's with Chris, cold nights snuggling under flannel blankets, & tea with Grandma in front of their fireplace.
This holiday season promises to be one very different from anything of the past though. Among other things, I now have Eric in the picture & all the things that go with that. With the promise of Christmas break nearing, we are definitly planning on spending some extra time together (it's kinda sad when I almost feel guilty for getting to see him 3 times in the same month!), which will be perfectly lovely. For his part, he's already survived Thankgiving with the Ticen's with flying colors, the question now is: how will I do? I'm not too worried about it, though, as Janice (his mom) & I seem to have a really good relationship (i.e., I adore her!) The thought of spending part of this weekend helping his mom decorate is thoughly exciting & something I have been looking forward to all month. It goes without saying that "the challenge" of watching "The Village" with Eric on The Couch is an exciting prospect as well.
Part of my perkiness, though, can be attributed to the abundance of "gigs" occuring in the next month. I have 8,count them, 8 scheduled Christmas shows, to date. In addition to being some of the "same olds" of playing background music for banquets & company Christmas parties, some of these shows begin to open up new expieriences as I will be playing with a brass band for the first time (my "debut" with The Bad Dog IV) & arranging various pieces of music for different people. In enjoying my 1st "music high" since March, I was definitly reminded of why exactly I'm a musician (considering I've been wondering the benifits for some time!).
One final thought on all that is currently going on is the hightening awarness of all that God is going right now in the lives of others. Though nothing too obvious seems to happening to me personally, the stories of the various ways God has taken care of His people has been making me very glad I'm on His side of things. It's a huge comfort that in this season of busyness (cough cough FINALS cough cough) that I serve a God who is infinitly bigger than any of the (seemingly) enormous calamities in my life.
It's good to be back!

I'm Just A Singer...You're The World!

A Very Brief Update.

Dear Phantom Of My Mind,

I've Been Thinking

Just A Thought....

A Synopsis of Life Right Now...

Another Quick Update

Good News!

How Great Is Our God

*insertbiggrinhere*

:-) You Know Who You Are

Clues To My Heart

The Horizon of Potential

A Quote To Ponder

& Now...A Moment of Freak Out

Another Amazing Poem

Amazing Poem

Ugh

A Time To Ponder

Love Language Results

Good Quote (from Eric)

Suddenly I See

Residing in a living room of Reality

All I Want For Christmas Is....

Taste of Home

A Long Overdue Letter

Points To Ponder

Here I Go Again

& Now...For A Little Perspective

Just Another Day In Paradise

A Plea For My Own Sanity-

Another Time, Another Place

The More Things Change...

In The Light

StrengthQuest Test Results

Realizations

To Whom It May Concern,

An Old Favorite

Revelations From The Dorm Room

Poignant, yet Possibly Pointless Ponderings

As Syllabus Shock Sets In......

Suitable Quote

A Legitimate Update

Thanks, Micah

The Nebraska Chronicles (Part 2)

The Nebraska Chronicles

Something

Quotes of the Shmanda During "The Pianist"

And Now...The Moment Of Truth......

Exciting Announcemen!!!!

Making A List & Checking It Twice

Observations Of A Thrifty College Girl....

Breathe

Grace or Why Do People Put Up With Me?

Dr. Sanborn Quote: *huminahuminahumina*

This Is Me Updating....

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

Sensory Thresholds

Peace Without A Parachute

For My Hurting Friend...

Johari & Nohari Reflections

Psychology Class Quote

This Should Be Interesting

Go Figure!

The Needs of Melanie...& other mysteries

Yay 4 Us!

Quality Vs. QUALITY

Exactly!

It Is Well....

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Interesting...

The Time Has Come...

Yay 4 Blogger Issues

Twas A Day Like Any Other When...

Pray For The Dead & The Dead Will Pray For You!

Music Major Musings

On A Lighter Note...

In The Light

Getting There

The Dastardly Dirty Deeds of Doing Dirty Dishes (& other rants)

insertbiggrinhere

Dr. Sanborn Quote: huminahuminahumina

Does A Happy Dance